Dear Mia,

"Dear Mia,

Eight months and one week ago, you were only 6 pounds 8 ounces. So small. So beautiful. So angelic. I can't believe that in 4 more months, you will be a year old. I am not sure if words can express the joy and happiness you have brought me. I know all of these journal entries I am writing are about how much I love you, and blah, blah, boring, but it is the only thing I feel when I look at you.

I can't believe something that caused me SO much pain could have brought me so much joy also. I thought I was going to die when I was having you. Literally. And I guess I better get this out also. You were almost a toilet baby. When I got to the hospital & went to the bathroom in immense pain to change into the gown, I decided to pee also. I just didn't know I was going to have a contraction while peeing & I naturally started to push... meaning you could have fallen out in the toilet. Hahaha! I just thought I'd let you know. So be thankful that I stopped myself. =]

It's been 4 months since Daddy and I have been split up. Since then, we haven't talked much. He'd just text for you to come over for a little. I'd drop you off and get you a couple hours later without saying anything to him. It wasn't pretty, but we are better now. We talk more now & I even stay sometimes while you and Daddy play. It's funny how much you look like him and even sleep like him. You both sleep like crazy fools. And Daddy has a new job. I'm very proud of him. You should too, if you knew what a job was...

You are crawling so well now! You're just growing up so fast now & not even slowing down for me. I want my little, stinky, do nothing baby back!! It's hard for me to realize that you are growing up so fast because I'm not home often. School has me all over the place and gone from 8am-4pm sometimes 7am-5pm or later. Then when I get home, I have so much homework to do that I haven't put you to sleep for at least 2 weeks now. It makes me sad because I barely have time to play with you, hug you, or even feed you. And if I do, I have to get right back to studying because its so hard for me to remember... anything now. I guess lack of sleep... On top of that, money is not Mommy's friend... But that's another story....

But one day, things will get better and I will be able to hold you all day... Until you become a teenager and think I'm just a lame mama.

Creepers. *Psh*

I know I will never understand the male species, but...

You guys know you do some strange junk. Especially when it comes to trying to hit on a girl.

I hate when I'm sitting peacefully in the car, waiting for the red light to change when my little invisible friend in the car tells me to look to my right.
There is some ugly, gorilla-lookin' dude in the car next to me jockin' the mess outta me like he's NEVER seem someone of the female species before. Sheesh. So I go back to looking straight forward.
Then he tries to SAY something now. I guess he didn't realize that I was IGNORING his ugly face. Omg. So then I just rolled up that window. Yet, he still insists on looking through the tint to see my face... Pathetic...

Another guy pulled up next to me once & realized that I have tinted windows. So he decided to pull up a little further so he could see me clearly through the windshield. Really? That was completely lame and uncalled for...

Then the creepiest one was at my school. I work in the morning, so I'm walking to the library at about 9am. I hear one of the golf carts that the service workers drive around campus behind me so I'm like whatever! Do-dodo-do-dodo-dooo. Then I think " Dang. This freakin' cart hasn't passed me yet?! Dude drivin' hella slow cuz I ain't walking THAT fast." Then I realize he is right beside me. So I look over & this ugly old man with a big smile on his face is like "Hey."
So I said "Hi" and hopped, skipped & scurried my little self down to the library faster than fast.

I saw him again when I was at my car. I was getting my books out the back seat & he pulled up to do something & I slammed the door & rustled away quickly. Gosh...

(I love how I used words that I would relate to a squirrel or animal running from danger. "Scurry, rustle". lol)

Really. Do you think you can be the next Hugh Hefner?

You can't afford me if your just a service worker/technician. *psh*

So what are your creepy, strange, hitting on stories?

Body Image & Me

I think I'm gonna start a "word/phrase & Me" series... Seems good

Body Image?
According to studies, we all see each other & ourselves differently. To me, I may be light brown. To him, I am dark brown. To her, her arms are short, but when her friend sees her, her arms are long. Then, there is body dysmorphia when someone sees themselves literally nothing like how they look. They may think they look like the elephant man sometimes, but that's a different story...

I think we all have a little body dysmorphic disorder in us... to an extent.
Like to myself, I have the hugest thighs. Ever.
And no matter what people say will not change my mind because you don't have to fit these boulders into some jeans. Sheesh.
I blame genes & gymnastics. Most gymnasts have dem thighs.

(big huh?)

I have the worse lower body shape.
My waist is little. My butt is average but I have hips. Then the monsters I call "thighs".
Jeans are SO hard to buy/wear because my waist is too small, so there is that NASTY space at the top. (Its so big sometimes, you can look down & see my underwear. its like an inner tube, literally) All just to fit the booty. Then the thighs barely even fit. ugh. My waist is made for a size 3. Butt/hips, size 5. Thighs, size 4.
My thighs look like this...

No, but they are more like this...

Guys love 'em. I dislike 'em
Actually, they look EXACTLY like this. Round, large & have absolutely 0 space between them when you stand with your leg together. And when I mean ZERO i mean paper shredder tight. Until you get to the knees of course. Then its normal. =D
I occasionally dream that I will wake up and they will look like this...

I'd be able to go shopping & not have to worry about squeezing into anything or fitting one thing perfectly & the other be on its own. Then I think realize this will never happen because I am not genetically to EVER look like this.
Even Mia has thighs like a muther effer!! Already!

But then I try to look on the bright side.

My thighs are full of fat & muscle to that will always be warm in the winter.

I have enough thigh strength to kick your face.

Gymnastics is easy for me b/c my thighs hold alot of power.

and the best one of all...

They don't have cellulite!!!

What is one thing you don't like about yourself, why and how do you cope with it?

School & Me

I haven't written on here in a while so here I go...

before I go to Math, so this better be quick.

I finally got back into the school world after a 7 month maternitybreak.
I know. Wouldn't all pregnant women love to have a maternity leave THAT long? You get to see everything!

But anyway, Like I thought, it was gonna be a big jump from no education & hard work to living the fast track of Emory University Education System. The teachers demand A LOT of your time because all of the students, except the selected 6 or so, are required to live on campus. The schedule tutoring at 7pm, have TPLS where you kinda volunteer at places & pretty much do research on the place you choose, movies after class, 8am tests before class tests, 2pm after class tests. Not to mention the social clubs. Its easy if you live on campus.

I, on the other hand, drive 60 miles a day every day to school. That equals up to about... I'd say $40-50 in gas a week. $200 a month or so. I come on the weekends to work on group projects, which takes away from my Mia/resting time. I don't join the clubs & such because, frankly, I wouldn't have a life anymore. I have labs 2:30-5:30 once a week. I work in the library 3 days a week (10 hours total). Then I get home & Mia is there with her smiling, mischevious self & I forget about all the stress I have through out the day.

Of course, it is harder to do your homework at home because there are more distractions than if you lived in the dorm. Mother is always calling me to come do this or go do that or talking about this & that and what Oprah & Dr. Phil said. Or this-Swine-flu-that
Now that Mia is crawling, she tries to eat my paper & see what I'm doing. (She loves exploring!)
I try to support my nephew in his baseball games & go to his practices & games. Then, I study here & there hoping the segmented material come together & stick in my head.

Now I see why so many girls who do have kids at a young age just drop out & try to find a sugar daddy to take care of them. It's very hard juggling a school, mothering, and a social life. I cant even remember the last time I went out with a friend to have fun.... Really... I think it was... Like August... The beginning/middle of August. Some girls can't handle it.
I know it's hard for me because it seems like everything is slapping me in the face now & I realize that I can't play with Mia or take her out as much as I used to, but I try as hard as I can to.

Inthe end, juggling as a single mother is not easy and I respect anyone out there who is doing the same thing because it does take a tole on you (my hair is falling out like mad).

But I guess it will all be worth in the end, right?

Dear Mia...

And yet another Dear Mia entry...

"Dear Mia,

I was looking at some of my old pictures today. From back when I was in high school. I can't believe that under a year ago, you weren't here. I used to wake up in the morning, go to school, dance practice and come home everyday to an empty house until Granny came home. Now, I wake up, check to see if you are awake, give you a kiss & hug, go to school, and come back home to your smiling face. I love every minute of it. I still look back and think, 'Wow, I've lived 17 years with out Mia. Now that she's here, I couldn't be happier.'
It's kind of crazy that I think my life is so much better now that your here. Most people my age would think, 'Oh no! Now I can't hang out with my friends. Can't go clubbing. I gotta spend all my money on diapers and formula. That baby is gonna keep me up all night. I can't handle all that!'

Me, I feel as if your constant happiness and playfull-ness keeps me going. You're the reason why I slow down when I drive. The reason why I don't go to every party that comes up. The reason why I wake up and drive 60 miles to and from school Monday-Friday just so I can be there and watch you grow up. I love watching you try to crawl, eating and talking with your mouth full, acting shy in front of strangers and hiding your face in my chest because you think they can't see you if you can't see them... It makes me feel as if something I've done in my life so far finally turned out right because this decision has made me so happy. So happy."