Raven-ly Thoughts

Thoughts that run through my mind in...30minutes...GO!

+The world wouldn't have so many arguments if there were no religions. With no religions, people wouldn't have any rules to live their lives, which can cause wars. Win, lose situation.

+High schoolers make me angry with their stupidity and naive ways, but they will learn.

+I would rather be single and happy than believing I must change myself in order for someone to accept me. I am Raven and I will not abandon myself in order to please an individual.

+I'm terrified to fail... Enough said. The top is my goal and nothing lower than that.

+I think my birth control is making me emit some strange pheromone that calls all the boys to the yard. I am NOT used to this kind of attention.

+I miss being ignored like how I was in high school. Now people know who me & my friends are when they didn't even give us the time of day or even a glance 3 years ago.

+My music playlist could please any group of people. Emo, country, hip hop, R&B, rap, pop, techno, Latin, KPop, Viet, etc... You name it, I probably have a song or 2 you'll enjoy.

+I want to live in another country for a year or more...Just to see how different people live compared to how I grew up. Now, where to live?

+I don't like dancing with boys. I guess it's the fact that I was ignored by the male species for about 17 years of my life that makes me uncomfortable and I don't think I'm good enough...

+Do racist Caucasians people tan? I would think they would scorn the sun and stay inside all summer.

+I've never been on a real date. You know, like the one's on TV where you get to know the person before you actually get into a relationship. Never been. Actually, I don't think people do that anymore...

+Sometimes I look and Mia and still can't believe that 23 of her chromosomes are mine. It's still surreal to me after 18months.

+I have learned to be myself, express myself and stop trying to be someone I am not. Who else is better at being you than you?

+I am avidly against marriage for myself solely because I don't believe a man could truly accept me, my lifestyle and beliefs. I'm a complicated one and don't think I'm the "wife type". Once I find someone who can understand me, I will change this thought.

Tis all I can think of... Enjoy.

Au Natural sans le Chop #1

I've decided to go natural with my hair (without chopping it all off).

It's going to require dedication, patience and a whole new outlook on what my head will look like.

I've alway love BIG CURLY HAIR.

I've just never see it on myself.

For as long as I can remember about my hair, it has been chemically straightened. So from about 5 or 6 years old, I've never see my natural hair. That's nearly 14 years worth of harsh chemicals on my hair that can burn its way through your skin if you leave it on too long! Pretty sad, but my mom doesn't like the Motherland hair.

She grew up in a time where skin bleaching and relaxers in your hair would make you beautiful to the public eye. The closer you looked like the "white man" the better off you were. And I've pretty much grown up with that belief until I got old enough to think for myself...

Now I'm 19 years old and I can choose what I want to do with my head and African culture is more accepted...a little... maybe not in the South so much...

Two months and 20 days since I had my last relaxer and I have never see this many curls popping out of my scalp before in my life. Of course it's going to be hard now because I have never had to look at or deal with my genetic hair, nor learn how to manage it either.

I did think about shaving my head but that strikes fear into my kidney even more than childbirth! Here are my reasons:

#1) I've always had hair. Even when I was born.

#2) Will my job fire me? We can't even wear obscene hair do's or nose/facial piercings!

#3) I don't wanna be stared at...

#4) No cute boy wants a bald girl like him. No stepdaddy for Mia! lol.

#5) My mother would be very, VERY disappointed.

The only reason why my mom is accepting me of not perming my hair now is because, quote: "Oh yeah! And when you're new growth gets long, the Dominicans can blow & straighten the naps right out!", end quote. Then I said "Well, what it I shaved my head?" Mother: "Now, don't be stupid, Raven."

Eh... Not much support... Both or my sisters are natural! So I have them to look to... And my mom doesn't like their heads either...

But enough about the negative. I'm just excited to see what my curl pattern will be like!

Type 4a hair??

Type 4b hair??

Oooh. That one looks challenging...

Well, I guess its like another pregnancy. Get looked at strangely, you aren't always accepted and it's a big, BIG change to your life. I got through having Mia, I guess I can give birth to my naturally, curly, big hair. Who knows! I might have to change the title to "Au Natural avec le Chop!" =]

Faux.

Since high school, I have realized how... untrue some people can be. Untrue to themselves.

They give off the image of being "Brittany" in front of their close friends, but in front of acquaintances or new people, they turn into "Britt-nay". Its like a bad weave.

You think it's cute but everyone close to you knows it's just wrong... so wrong.... Like these girls.

SO many people try to be someone they are not just to fit in. If those people don't like the actual personality you have, why bother wasting your time? Then the people who know you the most realize what you are doing and don't enjoy this fake "Brittany" at all. It's rather disappointing...

Knowing someone's self-esteem is that low or must maintain the image they made for themselves is more important than being true to themselves.

My friends and I, on the other hand, are not like this. We are the same in the mall, in the club, in Walmart, at a party, consistently. We don't turn into Shaliqua and Lahquay at the club and don't talk to you; or Jennifer and Sarah in Walmart and say "hi" to everyone; or Juanita and Maria in the mall and pretend to be rich. Still the same old girls with the same old personalities and the same fair treatment.

Ugh. It just annoys me how it takes leaving high school to realize how inconsistent personalities of people can be. Stop the madness. Treat everyone the same no matter where or when you see them. Be true to yourself.

Only because it's 4am

Be honest; name of the last person to text you?
It doesn't matter, but it starts with a "t"

This time last year what was your relationship status?
Single. And one year later... still single.

what is the 15th text message in your inbox?
"that its been a long time"

How many radio stations do you listen to?
About 3-4. But my ipod is usually in 99% of the time in the car

When was the last time you were in a car with someone besides family?
About an hour ago

What's your favorite show or shows?
Bizarre Food, No Reservations, The View, Spongebob, etc...

Have you told anybody you loved them today?
Nope!

What are your plans for the weekend?
Work like usual

What do you currently hear right now?
Alejandro on MTV

What were you doing Friday night?
Working

What would your name be with the first three letters?
Rav

Do you want to see somebody right now?
Mia, but she's sleeping and some pretty famous people...

Think back to the last person you held hands with, would you kiss them?
Mia?? I always give her kisses!

Do you know anyone that smokes pot?
No comment.

Who sits in front of you in math class?
Don't take math anymore!!

Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed?
Couch

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Timmy

What's the last compliment you received?
"Ur the best looking black girl who works here" (thats the only one i can remember)

Your best friend needs you at 3 am, do you go help them?
Duh!!

Have you ever slept in the same bed as your friends?
Yes, we did a few weeks ago

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months?
It has been done...

Are you on a desktop or laptop?
Laptop

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
I wouldn't know.

Who was the last female you talked to?
Adiam

Is the last person of the opposite sex you texted single?
Yes

What does your last text message say?
"Y?"

Is there someone who has made a difference in your life?
Yes, many

Does the last person who texted you ever make you smile?
Not this person who just texted me...

Where do you want to live when you are older?
Somewhere warm & relaxing

Where is the shirt you're wearing from?
CGHS dance team

Would you rather tell somebody straight up, or wait?
Well it depends on what I'm telling.

Is your hair long enough to put in a ponytail?
Yes, yes it is

Would you eat a cockroach for your last ex if they asked you?
I wouldn't do anything for him.

Are there any stressful situations in your life?
too many

When's the last time you fell asleep watching a movie?
a while ago

How many cell phones have you had in your life?
about 4 or 5

Last night, did you go to sleep smiling?
nope!

Have you had sex today?
No

What should you be doing right now?
sleeping probably

Dear Mia,

I don't think "miss" is a strong enough word to express how I feel right now. Long for? Crave? Yearn?

I haven't seen your pretty, bouncing face in exactly 20 days. Only 4 more until I get to hug you, and kiss you, and take you out places, and be force-fed by you then hear "Mmmm!" as if it were so delicious. There hasn't been one day that has gone by where I haven't sat on the couch and imagined seeing you run & dance around the living room like you always do.

As much as I wanted to come with you, I just couldn't. And as much as I wanted you to stay with me, I couldn't either. There was no one here to watch you while I was at school and work, so I had to let you go. Now you're 2,503 miles and 2 time zones away from me.

Sometimes I wonder if you think about me. I know you're only 17months old and probably think I'm at work.... for a very long time. I also wonder if you will remember me... And that's what hurts the most about you being gone.

But, I will be strong; even though I have kept myself busy every single day since you have been gone to distract me from the fact that you aren't here, coming home to an empty house and not being greeted by a happy dance & a hug is still foreign and saddening to me.

Four more days, Mia, four more days...

Love, Mommy.

Death by Sea

Today was possibly one of the scariest days of me and my friends' lives. Let me tell you the story...

We road out to Hunting Island Beach, SC because we wanted to see more black people at the beach. Apparently Coligny Beach is absent of color... all colors...

So we drove an hour to the black people beach to get away from the white people beach, paid $5 each, & set up our crap & umberellas.

Like always, we took many pictures before getting our hair jacked up by the water. Sexy pictures, jumping pictures, humping pictures, etc... Little did we know that these could have been the last pictures we could have taken....

We went out into the water, full of giant, powerful waves & currents. It was fun at first until Thanh got flipped over in the inner tube, I kept getting pushed down, but Adiam was fine, until....

Some creature that possibly looked like THIS!!!

poked Thanh's foot & she yelped loudly. Adiam & I said "What happened??" She said "I stepped on something hard." I said "What you talking bout??" Once I said that, it somehow moved about 5feet to where I was & I stepped on it also, screamed my booty off & ran!!!

As Thanh & I ran, Adiam, safely inside of an inner tube, not knowing it was moving toward her, stepped on THE THING while trying to get away.

Adiam unknowingly started floating away by a rip current & Thanh & I yelled for her to come back. But she couldn't. The waves were too strong & she was too weak. (And she can't swim) Once she saw the "DANGER!! KEEP AWAY 10FEET" sign, which was 5feet away from her, panic set in.

She began paddling like a crazy puppy to come back to us as we yelled "Adiam, come back over here!!!" We went walking toward her & it got really deep & she had both of our floats because we tied the skim board & inner tube together so we wouldn't lose it. The shore dropped off and we couldn't swim because the currents were too rough. Before we knew it Adiam was quickly drifting away and she was screaming for HELP!!

I ran back to shore to jack a flotation device to go get Adiam, and Thanh stayed to make sure she stayed in sight. Adiam helplessly pleaded for Thanh to save her because every time she looked back she was getting closer and closer to the "DANGER" sign!

As this was going on I ran to the closest adult I saw and asked for his help, but unfortunately he was no help. I asked if he had a floater, he said "NO." I asked if we should call 911 and he said "IDK." He wasted my time and I just decided to run and call 911.

From Thanh's perspective..."Oh shit! Should I go out and get her or not? I'm scared!" My heart was racing like crazy. I looked over to where Adiam was and her frightened, helpless face made me brave enough to just go out into the death zone.

Inside Adiam' s head..."Omg..omg...omg...omg...omg!!! I'im gonna die! Omg Thanh get over here!! *throws skim board towards thanh* "Come on grab it Thanh grab it! Please grab it!!! omg here get it get it! GRAB IT!!!!!!"

As I finished talking to the unhelpful black man, I looked out to see Thanh pulling Adiam's floaty toward shore! I got so happy cuz that meant we all didn't have to die out at sea or float all the way to the African Coast! YESSS!!! They finally made it to standing shore & Adiam threw her arms around Thanh in a warm embrace. AWWW! How cute. Once I realized they were safe & I wouldn't have to put an ad on Craig's List for NEW BFFs, I realized my arm was burning.

There was a big red scratch on it. From what you ask?? I do not know...

Adiam also had 2 scratches on her foot from that UNKNOWN CREATURE trying to eat some black meat. (I guess it prefers dark meat cuz Thanh had no bite marks)

After washing off our continuously burning injuries, we sat on the beach towel and looked out to the ocean that almost killed & ate us. Also, while sitting, I saw that my big arm scratch was in the shape of a mouth. You could see the upper teeth & lower teeth marks. That crazy animal almost killed us.

Moral of the Story: Don't go to beaches without lifeguards, and white people. Black people are no help when it comes to water and life is too short & can be gone in a second. (That's deep man.... Real deep...)

Dear Mia,

I've officially a single mother to you for a year now.

As much as I wanted you to grow up as a complete family of your father and I, deep down, I knew I couldn't have stayed. We couldn't stay together. I thought long and hard about this decision and came to the conclusion of:

Will Mia want to see us fight all the time and me unhappy?

Would Mia want her mother to be happy?

Obviously, I put our happiness above anything. I don't care about the statistics, stereotypes, etc... And yes, it is annoying to always walk around alone or sitting in a doctor's office with people staring at us. It really doesn't matter because, honestly, I am a happier person now than I was a year ago; you have contributed to this happiness.

Everything you do brings me happiness! From you throwing a ball at me while I'm sleeping to picking your nose to pulling me off the couch just to dance with you. It's all so wonderful.

Sure, you may be one of those wedlock babies, you haven't see your dad in I can't remember how long, you apparently have a stepmother now, I have to juggle school & a job while learning Lao to teach you, and you can get a little out of hand in public . But all that doesn't matter.

You have me. I have you. We are our own happy family. No one else is invited into this Mia-Mommy Club.

P.S. It's ok... You'll learn how to use the one day...