Why Is Life So Hard?

A question we all ask ourselves... well, maybe not all, but most of us ask at some point in our lives.

Me, being the non-religious person I am, I do not believe life is hard because of the whole Adam and Eve being banned from the garden of Eden caused our lives to be difficult.

But I do believe everyone has some sort of problems in their lives, no matter how rich, poor, or middle class you are.

If you ask me, I think I have a HUGE black cloud that follows me EVERYWHERE!! Really. And it isn't even me that causes the problems. It's external dilemmas that ALWAYS seem to pop up everyday and put me in a horrid mood. I can't remember one day that I have been happy the whole day through.
Here are some examples:

My Car- Everyone knows I like to keep my car nice, neat, clean and free of any altercations. Well, now it has an altercation. An issue came up where now there is a quite large dent in my hood and the alarm won't work on it as well as it should. This happened in, I believe, June. Cost to fix it? $550. How much have I saved up to fix this? $0.00. Nice, eh? I would have saved more, but I have a kid to take care of and $150 biweekly just doesn't cut about anything.

My Credit Cards- Are currently maxed out. This is what happens when you try to live a normal lifestyle with an unsteady income. Current balance? About $1500. I really don't pay attention anymore as long as I pay a little every 2 weeks when I get paid.

My Camera- Has been in my life for about 3 years now. I remember when I first bought it. It was about June 2007 and it cost $250. I loved it dearly and people who know me well know that I do not travel anywhere with out my camera. My camera was my 3rd baby. I love it more than my phone. I love pictures. I think pictures are more than just pieces of paper. They are memories. It tears my heart to pieces to throw away photo albums (which I was forced to do for undisclosed reasons) I guess its because my mom's pictures were all lost or destroyed, so I have no clue what she looked like before her senior year picture. But now, it is broken. No more pictures of Mia's development which REALLY hurts alot because I am working on a book (and scrapbook) about her and I need pictures. Dearly. Unless I can some how use my paycheck from this 2nd job and squeeze by with my library check for a few weeks, I guess I'll just be depressed/angered for a while. =[

School- Is kicking my behind this semester. I am not sure what it is but I can NOT get enough sleep at night. I will get 8-9hours of sleep a night, wake up, and be completely exhausted STILL. I can't remember anything I do in class by the time I get home. I'll study chemistry or math for 6 hours and forget everything I just did. I don't know what is wrong with me, but if this keeps up, I am just going to have to stop doing the Pre-Med thing and just do something less demanding. Maybe something that will require less energy. I swear, I think I drive to school half asleep some days because I'll be at one area and pop back into consciousness 5 minutes later. I need to see a doctor...

Money & Males- Yeah. Don't have it. Never had it. I always seem to take care of EVERYONE except myself. I don't even think I've even had a boyfriend that actually bought ME dinner or bought ME a nice gift for my birthday or Christmas or anything. (I've always been the man in the relationship. Whipping out my card to pay for the movie, dinner, etc...) I literally attract Mama's boys and beggars. It's always ME spending my hard earned money on others who do not deserve it. Which I have learned to completely stop. And I also think it's a reason why I would rather be alone than in a relationship... but who knows. I'd take being alone for the rest of my life than to have some punk @&* boy all up under me. I already have 1 kid. Don't need two...

But they always say that life doesn't come easily and each struggle you come out stronger.
So after all this mess, I'm probably gonna be the freakin' Hulk, man...

Before I go to sleep...

I would like to talk about my life at the current moment.

The school year is almost over and the only thing I worry about is passing Calculus and Chemistry. I think I might have to take Calc. over again because I can NOT understand my teacher's lessons and I want a better grade than what I am getting. Idk. Math and me used to be friends until college came along. I had never taken any calculus courses in high school because, frankly, my counselors and what not did not believe I was good enough for such "high leveled courses". But, of course, they give the courses to the popular students and the students who procrastinate, copy homework all day and just squeeze by from sucking up to the teachers.
I know not all people did that, but trust me. Some did...

And now I am going to start working at Outback! Woo-hoo. Two jobs. Full week of school. Three hour lab once a week and 2 hour volunteer TPSL hours a week. Gosh. I have no clue how I am going to get all of this done, but it will some how... I hope...

Plus I NEED, not want, but DESPERATELY NEED money at this moment. The call to become a drug dealer has never been so strong... but I know I could never do such a thing, even though it is quick, and illegal money. =/

It's just me taking care of Mia. My mother helps as much as she can, but my daughter is MY responsibility and I need to be able to support her in all ways that I can. That is why I am taking on this second job so I can buy her clothes, formula, take her out to eat frozen yogurt or even buy myself a shirt or shoes for once since I haven't stepped foot into a store to buy myself clothes in SO long. Besides. Who has time to shop when your homework is like another full time job right there. On average, I do homework about... 5 hours a night with a few breaks in between. Its like I have 4 jobs right now. Homework, School, Mia, Work Study, Outback.
Oh, sorry. I can't count. 5 jobs.

Now, you may be asking, "Where is Mia's father? Why isn't he helping?"

Well, frankly, I don't know what to tell you. We broke up 5 months and 6 days ago. I decided not to bug him with any stress like "when u gonna get Mia? She need this, she needs that, I'm going out, can you watch her?" until he got his life together and decided to step up and be a father to his daughter. (Since he wanted to be the young child with no responsibilities still.) I have put my social life and financial situation on the back burner for this decision. (I've had to skip paying credit card bills to support Mia & myself actually which hasn't made anything easier...)

I just didn't think it would take 5 months, 6 days and counting to realize that you have a daughter that would like to have her father around. Or realization of, "Hey! I have a kid... She kinda needs things like food, water, clothes, attention, love, diapers, wipes, shoes, hair and bath things, a bed, medicine..." But I guess those things haven't clicked yet...

Does it make me angry? Who wouldn't be? Does it cause more stress? Hell yes, it does. Am I going to change this? Well, I can't unless everyone wants to change. Sure, times are hard.... Rough... VERY difficult right now, but I have survived so far, and we will survive later on in life.
Yes, I'd like to keep my hair and I needed to loose weight anyway, but in the end, things will work out for the better, and I really do believe Mia will appreciate ALL I have done for her as a young mother when she gets older.

She'll look back and say, "My mom had me at 18 with no set plan for the future, no job and just a dream to become a doctor. She was a single mother in an elite college and 2 jobs. She taught herself how to speak and write in Lao so she could teach me also. Despite the homework and stress, she still managed to be there for me when I needed her, when I was sleepy, when I fell down, or even when I wanted her to watch Yo Gabba Gabba and sing the whole theme song of Ni Hao, Kai-Lan to me with a hug. She was always there."

All I really want to do is make my daughter proud of me despite my many flaws and struggles we have in our life right now.