2009.

Within the past 365 days, I believe I have grown up more than I ever would have expected to. Reflect with me, please...

January 2009: I'm 8 months pregnant, withdrawn from school and big as a muther. I caught the flu January and took medicine for the first time my during my whole pregnancy because I wanted my baby to be completely toxin/chemical free. Then, Mia decided to come out of nowhere at 5:05am on January 21st. I didn't even have time to get an epidural, pain medication or anything because I was already 9cm when I got into the hospital. Weighing 6 pounds 7 ounces, she was possibly the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, and looking just like her father's clone. I just never thought a little baby would put me through so much pain, yet teach me SO much. After 6 LONG days in the hospital, we are finally sent home to be a precious family.

February 2009: Tyler, Mia and I live together in my house. Things are good. Our relationship was better now than it was during the whole pregnancy. I guess it's because we were more like a family. Tyler got a job and everything is looking up.

March 2009: Rishona has a little girl also. Only 6 weeks younger than Mia.

May 2009: Nwenna and Joe get married and she's having a baby. What a growing family...

June 2009: Tyler and I broke up. As much as I didn't want to break up out happy little family or take Mia's father away from her, I just feel like we both wanted different things at that moment. I wanted a strong, supportive father and a loving daughter, while I'm not sure what he wanted. It was extremely difficult, and I'll admit it. I sometimes STILL think (6 months later) if I made the right decision or not. I guess that's life. You win some, you loose some. Things are not pretty at all between us...

July 2009: I finally saw my sister, Callie, for the first time in three years. It was wonderful, especially since the whole family didn't know she was coming at all. Sadly, one of my best friends and Mia's god mother, Thanh moves to South Carolina... I began shopping and charging things to my credit card like crazy as a way to help me cope with the break up. Not a good choice, but it's not like I had anyone to just talk to. The card was my therapy and my killer.

August 2009: I start my school career again after a 7 month break. I was difficult. Being away from home from 8am until sometimes 5, 6 or 7 o'clock. Going home to do homework for hours and hours on end. I seriously don't know how I survived or didn't attempt to self-mutilate myself. I was completely broke, completely lacking confidence and a mother. These things don't match at all. With very little help, I picked myself up and kept moving forward.

September 2009: My credit card bills have been choking me and my wallet. There were times that I wouldn't buy lunch because I had to choose between gas, diapers and wipes or food. I began to loose weight and had utter exhaustion, with the combination of stress from school and lack of eating, along with much hair loss. I seriously did not think I could make it through the school year. Contemplated picking up bad habits to relieve the pain? Yes. Did I act on it? No, because I would be deeply hurt if I was the cause of Mia's suffering.

October 2009: I turned 19 years old and Callie decides to move back to Georgia with the family. It's better this way because she missed ALOT within those 3 years she was in New Jersey/New York. Graduations, birthdays, babies, laughs, tears, love...

And now...

December 2009: My baby is almost a year and has grown up from a squirming little bean into a crawling, soon to be walking machine with her own personality and attitude. She makes me laugh all the time even though she doesn't even know what she's doing. Tyler and I are still not together, but our relationship as mother and father, rather than "my baby mama & my baby daddy". are mending slowly. My finances are so much better now and I don't see as much hair in the sink. I still haven't found a "Prince Charming" to sweep me off my feet, but hey! I'm still young and in no need to rush. Maybe if he'll stop looking at the sluts and see me behind them, he'll come faster. Nwenna has her little baby and survives her crazy labor.

And it's officially 21 minutes into the year 2010. I've been through extraordinary experiences in the past 365 days that have slapped me in the face with multiple wake up calls. From sleep deprivation to collection calls to depression to happiness. I have been through it all. Sure, it hurt me, but Buddha says life is suffering and overcoming it. So, bring on any more challenges. I think I can handle almost anything at this point...

Dear Mia...

So, it's been almost a year since that wonderful and painful day you came into this world. We have been through a bunch of ups and downs, I want to start by apologizing now for some of the things that maybe could have been avoided before I start thanking and reminiscing on the good. As they say, "We all learn to make mistakes and run from them", but I'm not running. I'm facing them.

First off, I'm sorry for me and Daddy breaking up. We were headed in different paths and as much as I wanted (and still want) us to be little happy family, I just can't right now. It's too much for me to handle and I know I'll explain it to you on day, but for now, I'll just leave it at that. It's been 6 months of just me and you. I think you have developed into a fine, mean young lady despite all the statistics of single parent households... Maybe one day we will be a family again. Maybe...

I'm sorry for not having any professional pictures of you, or us ,or you, me and Daddy done. I will one day. I promise. It's just been a VERY rough year for me and whenever I saved up enough for you to get pictures done, some other financial burden came up. Car problems, school books, gas, bills left and right. But I promise. I'll get some done eventually.

I'm sorry for being so stressed out all the time and only wanting to sleep or just be alone. School kicked me in the face this year. Money has sprayed me in the eyes with pepper spray. There were times when I did not think I made the right decision by not putting you up for adoption because I felt horrible that I did not have the time or energy to even feed you, play with you, or even put you to sleep. I'd sit and do hours and hours of homework having 8+ hours of school and work, and by the time I'd finish, you would be sleeping. There were days when I wouldn't see you at all because I went to school at 8am, then drove an hour after school to another job and made it home at 11pm when you were sleeping. But I'm learning to manage my time a little better now and maybe try not to work so much... Not yet though. Mommy still is in a hole...

I'm sorry for not being around as often as I would like to. I never thought I'd never be able to see you and we life in the same house. Leaving the house with you sleeping and coming back home with you sleeping again is depressing. I know one day, it won't be like this.

I'm sorry for being a jealous mommy. Jealous of the other young mommy's who have the lifestyle I wished I could have raised you in. Two parent household, semi-stable family, stable enough finances, and not have to choose whether to buy you a new hat and jacket for the winter, or gas and tires for my car.

I'm sorry for Granny and I fighting in front of you so much. As much as I love Granny, she just doesn't understand that you are my child and believe that my parenting skills are adequate enough. Yes, she is one of the reasons why I can't be around you as often as I would like because she doesn't think I feed you correctly, change you diaper right, dress you appropriately or even breathe correctly. Maybe one day she will back off. No.... No she won't. Not until I can afford to get us our own place, which isn't any time soon. Until then, I guess you'll have two mommy's.

I'm sorry for not being strong enough to tell Granny to back off. I've tried but it just end up in shatters and I'm ignored.

I'm sorry things didn't turn out as happily as I thought they would.

But on the bright side, we have each other and we're still healthy and alive.

My 2010 Goals

So, 2010 is just around the corner and I believe I need to set some goals in my life to keep me inspired and on track. So, here we go!:

#1) Be happy despite the many down falls, many events of bad luck (which seems to follow me like a stalker), and financial burdens. I'm still alive, right? Why not be happy about that?

#2) Save up $2000. Why you ask?
-To buy myself a Mac since my laptop is deteriorating slowly after only 1 year =[
-Have something to fall back on to... for once...

This is probably highly unlikely because every time I save a little over $100, some kind of financial crap comes up. New tires, car jacks up & I need another new car battery (Ive already gotten 2 and my car is barely 3 years old), another bill to pay, medical expenses, etc...

#3) Be healthy. In shape. And possibly loose the extra 5 pounds I gained this year from the stress from school and work and the extra carbohydrate intake I've had in order to give my body a boost of energy for the lack of sleep I obtained. -__-

#4) Sleep more. End of story.

#5) Buy a new camera before Mia's first birthday. I know I said I wanted to get one before Mia's first Christmas, BUT I found out I need to buy new car tires AND my pockets seem pretty light. So this Christmas won't be so cheerful and I don't want to remember it. Or for her to realize that she only got 3 gifts for her first Christmas... Next year will hopefully be better.

#6) Be financially stable. Do I need to say more?

#7) Pay off my HUGE credit card debt. I don't even know how much I owe anymore. I just pay what I can every time I get money now. @___@

#8) Be a good mom despite the fact that I'm rarely at home.

#9) Be a good student and get more scholarships. I don't need more debt in my life...

#10) Take Mia and myself on a well deserved vacation somewhere far, far away from here. Dominican Republic? Thailand? Croatia? Greece?

#11) Find a way to help others. I was thinking of becoming a mentor for young girls who need someone in their lives to inspire them or volunteer in Laos to teach children how to read and speak English. I'm already learning the alphabet & doing quite well. Let's see how this goes...

#12) Learn and teach Mia how to read and speak Laotian. Seems pretty simple now from the beginners junk I've learned...