Day 15: The person you miss the most

Now that I have time again...

Dear Mia,

You left be again and went to Pennsylvania for 10 days. I should have been used to you being gone here and there since you were in California for a month this summer, but I don't think it ever gets easy. It was easier during the summer to not realize you weren't here. I kept myself busy EVERYDAY. Painting, going out to eat, mall, work, party, visited Thanh in South Carolina, etc. I didn't like being home really alone and I still don't. Since I was in school, I was kind of forced to stay home and endure the emptiness...

I guess its hard because during these years, I can miss out on so many little things you do that are HUGE to me, and seem stupid to others. Like you learning to wipe your own nose is gross and dumb to some people. To me, it shows me that you are growing up day by day.

I missed having you meet me every time I walk in through the door. I missed your kisses where you choke me a little and pull my face to yours. I missed our inside jokes.

I think the worse part of you being gone isn't that I'm not there to take care of you. I know Granny is taking good care of you even though you run her wild.

It's me sitting in silence. Me eating dinner alone. Me watching TV and doing homework without you saying "Mom! Mama! Hey! Help! Here! Baw! Bow!! Help! Diddle-diddle-liddle-dee!! Diddle-liddle-diddle-daaaa!" It gets lonely and Nacho can only do so much. I've spent the past nearly 3 years of my life so far talking to you, and always having you near me. From an embryo to a fetus to the little 21 month old you are now. And when you go away, I have nothing.

So I sat and imagined seeing you playing around in the living room, dancing to Yo Gabba Gabba, saying Chinese words you learned from Ni Hao Kai Lan, and fake laughing when I try to be funny. And when I saw you again (even though I was half awake) seeing you smile big made me so happy. I think the biggest fear I have whenever you leave is that you won't remember me, and when you show me you haven't makes me feel like I'm doing something right in this crazy, hectic world.

Koi hak jao, Mia.

With much love,

Mommy