"I'm gettin' old sonny."

My jebus, how time flies.

I just had a baby 5 months ago.

I'm turning 19 in 4 months. No. Closer to 3 months.

I'm heading back to school in 2 months.

*sigh* feels like yesterday I was still a sophmore in high school with not a care in the world.

Now I'm old. For the first time in my life, I am starting to get cellulite. It is horrifying me that I'm just letting myself go like this! Where is my motivation to work out?? Maybe because I'm still anemic from my pregnancy & I'm always exhausted.

Also, for the first time, I am terrified to put on a bikini. I kind of hate that I was in such good shape back then. Because of that, my stomach had NO WHERE to stretch; causing Mia to push & separate my ab muscles, & pull my skin tremendously. (Since I had NO LAYER OF FAT on my stomach what so ever) Ugh. Why did I have to be an over- acheiever & have to work so hard on my abs & now they're destroyed? Literally. I'm just not being able to pull myself to a sitting position with just my abdominal muscles. Its pretty sad...

I went from this in April 2008:

to this January 20, 2009 (the day before Mia came):

and I wont put what it looks like now. You'd probably gouge your eyes out. =/

It depresses me...

My back hurts occasionally.

I'd kill for a good massage. Yes, I said KILL... <__<

I think its from a dancing injury. I used to fall on the hard gym floor occasionally when doing turns & such. But who knows? But I'm glad its not like how it used to be. My back would hurt so much, I would limp around the house & it would be hard to get up. (Especially when I was a preggo)

But on the bright side, my acne went away! =D

God, I don't get acne, but when I was pregnant, you coulda called me Pizza Face Raven. For real. I was hideous & I'll admit it. I'm surprised my baby daddy stayed with me cuz my face was buggin! Gracias a Dios I didnt take any pics then.

Also, I have boobs. ;]

That's right. Boobs. Yes, Girls have the chesty area, but back in the day, I had NONE. Non-existent, gone, zip, nada, zero. (ask Adiam. She has proof) I had a vacant sign on my chest. My boobs were M.I.A. But thanks to Mia (what a coincidence), I went from an A to a B!! WOO-WOO! That's a big leap. Really. I went from where I couldn't pay to have cleavage to where I gotta put a leash on these puppies! They be tryna make an appearance when I'm not lookin!

My hair is a lot healthier. But I'm SO glad its not all oily anymore. Gosh. I was happy to have my dry, old black hair again because I used to have to wash my hair every 2-3 days or my hair would be so oily, I'd be bringin' back the Jerry Curl. And every black girl know how tedious black hair can be. If you don't know..........not my problem....... *in ghetto alter-ego tone* Buh Mia gah dat guuh hurr yo. All da guhs gon be ha-in' on hu hurr.

Translation: Mia's hair is considered nice & manageable and every african american girl will be jealous they do not have her type of hair.

For those who don't read ghetto.

I guess out of the bad things, good come out also. But nothing can make me feel better about my stomach. It's like the devil taunting me. I guess this is my punishment for being agnostic & not going to church... but I still believe in God! I just add in my 2 cents.... Maybe one day, I'll be able to strut my shit in a bikini again... Until then, I'll just wear a tank top or t-shirt to the pool like the chubby little boys with boobs......

oh damn. That was mean. That's why I have this problem.... *laughs on the inside*

Whatcha lookin' fo?

Have you ever had someone who looked for the bad in everything & just couldn't find it?

I have and it is not the greatest thing to experience. It's even worse when its a parent or a person you're in a relationship with.

I know someone who always looked for something wrong. If I was texting someone while walking through the door & didn't say "Hey" it was a disaster. "Who u texting? You're new boyfriend? You can't say 'Hi'?"

If I'm not talking as much: "What's wrong? You're not happy with me? Is there someone else?"

If I didn't text back fast enough: "Oh. You must be texting your new boyfriend."

I got so tired of it that I just wanted to yell out "Whatcha lookin' fo?! *hint: the title* Are you trying to convince me to cheat so you can prove your point?!"

I thought it would end when I was pregnant because who wants a pregnant girl? Honestly? What guy snatches up himself a preggy?? Exactly.

I looked like a whale. I literally looked like & felt like I had a basketball under my shirt that would move & kick your hand.

See! Look at this! Who would want a new girlfriend that looked like this?

But being the nice person I am, I never said anything.

I did the quiet, subtle thing, and left.

I can't deal with a person who would sit there and worry about me cheating that much that it crippled our relationship. Really. I'm better off alone. Even if it means I'd have to work twice as hard to live a stable life.

I never knew how important trust was in a relationship was until then...

But I'm done with that era of my life & moving on to bigger, badder & better things. =]

Just me, myself & I.

It's been almost a month on my own now after a year, 3 months & I cant remember how many days with the same guy & a baby later.

And you know what? I like it. And I'll keep liking it until I can find someone worthy of the great Raven's presence & time.

Really... We all deserve a good guy or girl more than once in our lives. Don't we?

OOoh! We break up to make up... Ooooh!

Abusive Relationships Are Like An Ice Cream Sundae... datingish

This was some very good writing. And I enjoyed it quite a bit.

If you didnt read it, it's pretty much saying why cover up a bad relationship with good things just to think it will make up for the bad. Such as "putting sprinkles on a shitty sundae" (quoted from the blog). I loved that metaphor because we do it SO MUCH, especially in relationships. Sugar coating a pickle will never make it taste good. EVER. Just thinking about how it will taste is actually making me gag a little.... No girl or boy should have to cover up what they don't like with wonderful things he or she does or thinking he or she will change because, in the end, they won't. Unless he or she REALLYwants to. Point made.

Yay! Another Journal Entry!

"Dear Mia,
We had fun yesterday for Father's day. Even though you still have that damned diarrhea, you still managed to put a smile on that pudgey little face. We spent the whole day with Daddy. Obviously for Father's day, it was only right. Grandma Phoukeo bought a blow-up pool for you & Jayden to play in, but you hated the cold water. Everytime we put you're feet in, your little face would scrunch up & you'd cry. So Daddy held you're big butt the whole time whild Jayden played. Speaking of big butt, tell me why at 4/5 months of age you're booty couldn't fit into a 6-9 month old bathing suit? I had to exchange it for a 12 month suit because you're butt and hips were squished in that 6-9 month. Even with out a diaper on, your booty was squeezed in there. I guess you definitely got the black side when it came to the bottom half of you're body. *Laughs* Well, atleast you got a tan and spent time with your father on his one day out of the whole year. Because you know the other 363 days are designated as one for Mommy and the rest for you."

And the story goes...

I was thinking about documenting Mia's days, life, experiences through pictures & a journal.

And when she turns 18, I'll give it to her. This will take a lot of work, but I can do it =]

Here is an exerpt of what I was thinking...

"Dear Mia,

You'll be 5 months on on Sunday, which is also Father's day. Hopefully you're virus will pass by then so you can be a happy little baby once again because right now you have some pretty rough diarrhea. It's not pretty. It hurts you sometimes and it hurts me to see you cry histerically and I can't do anything about it but hold & rock you to sleep. But you still continue to smile and laugh with and at me, which lets me know you will be alright and this will soon pass.

We went to visit daddy today at Grandma Phoukeo & Grandpa Xayavong's house today. He was very happy to see you and so was you're cousin Jayden. He always loves to smother you with cute kisses and hugs as soon as you walk through the door. And even though Mommy & Daddy aren't together right now, Daddy wants you to know that he loves & misses you very much.

I know you won't remember these days as an adorable little girl, but I remember each day with you like its a movie I play over and over again in my head. I rememeber how much you weighed each time we went to the doctor. I remember every temperature you've taken. I remember the first time you laughed out loud. I remember when you first rolled over. "

Maybe I'll get it published someday. Be a best seller. But who knows?

Anyway. Ranting time. (this will be fun)

Ok. So why do such unattractive people try to jump on such attractive girls such as myself? I'm not being full of myself or overly confident, but I must say, I dont look bad. It seems as if now that I have my single status, a bunch of hideous monsters have been jumpin' on my jock & none cute! Not pretty, handsome, decent, precious, bangin', smokin', or any other slang out there for "good looking".

what's up with that?! Two, almost 3 weeks and not one look, snicker, glance, double take, friend request by one decent looking suitor. good grief.

Are all of the nice lookin' boys taken or are they intimidated that they'll look less attractive standing next to an attractive girl?

I think they all take ugly girls or girls with low self esteem so:

1) They'll look bangin' standing next to her

2) She'll put up with his mess

3) She'll do whatever he says cuz hey! She's already vulnerable.

Then the Oblongs wanna be hella bold now & jump on the first thing they see!

Even at Club Miami this thing tried to ask my ass to dance & I turned him down like a muther. Sheesh. Do they really think that I would lower myself to that?

**Well, I guess they dont think they're ugly in the first place...

They probably think they're the best thang smokin'! "God's gift to women"

(More like the Devil's prank to unsuspecting ladies.)

But still. Behind the pretty-ness of a guys face, there should be personality too.

And since I have a big personality, I need someone who can match up to that, and for some reason, there are none out there. Or atleast they haven't talked to me.

I've only met 1 guy who was close to my personality, but, sadly yet gladly, he is taken my a beautiful girl & I'm happy for him =]

I just can't have someone who wants to sit around, watch tv, facebook, myspace, blah blah blah all day. I need adventure!

Which is hard nowadays because that seems to be all the male species wants to do. (I forgot porn search on there too)

And I just realized I've never been on a date before. Yes, I've been on a dat with a guy I was going out with, but not actual "dating" as in "seeing if this person is the right person before calling them back & getting serious" kinda date.

Which might be why all my relationships end in disaster...

Plus I didn't think my age group/generation still did that anymore. (It would be nice though)

*sigh* But whatever. I'm happy being me, myself & I until I can find a me, you and us.

1. a picture of you in your room

2. a picture with someone you don't really like.

Stupid Tressor Hugo. What aren't you famous yet? I want my $10 back! You're CD wasn't THAT great <.<

3. A picture with someone you love.

4.the youngest picture you can find of yourself in digital form.

I lost all of my older pics on my old computer =[

5. a picture of you in one of your favorite outfits.

You like.

6. a picture of you making a goofy face at the camera.

Oh gosh...

7.a photo that you might have edited to make yourself more attractive.

8. a picture of a night you regret.

I shouldn't have worn this outfit >.<

9. a photo of you truly being yourself.

10. the most recent picture of you.

Well I look extra Emo...

11. a picture of you being absolutely ridiculous.

12. a photo of you showing off a new haircut/color

13. a photo of a time in your life that's over, but you wish it wasn't.

*sigh* Good times... good times...

14. a picture of a time in your life that's over, and you couldn't be more happy about it.

Pregnancy = Torture (for me atleast)

15. a picture when you were really happy.

My baby =]

16. a picture of you that you had no idea was being taken.

17. a picture of you when you were a different person than you are now.

18. a picture of how you'd like the world to see you.

19. a picture that describes how you'd like to spend every day.

20. a picture of a time when everything was changing.

21. a photo that makes your heart hurt.

I miss when everything was simple & we had no worries in the world but to have fun.

22. a picture that makes your heart smile.

Fill In The Blanks

1) My ex is... my baby daddy

2) I should learn to... speak Lao

3) I love... my daughter

4) People would say that I am... funny

5) I don't understand... why bad things happend to good people

6) When I wake up in the morning... I see my smiling Mi-mi

7) I lost... my mind

8) Life is... constantly changing.

9) My past taught me... to always look to the future

10) I get annoyed... by dumbness & ignorance

11) Party.. like its 1999

12) I wish... I made more money & was financially stable & could pay my way through Emory =[

13) Cats and Dogs... have feelings

14) My childhood pet... were rottweilers & a goat

15) Tomorrow... is a new beginning

16) I have a low tolerance for... liars

17) If I had a million dollars... I'd be content.

18) I'm terrified of...bees!

19) I've come to realize... I need to make higer standards for myself. I am worthy.

20) I am listening to... Conan O'Brien

21) I talk... to my peeps

22) My best friends... are lovely in every way =]

23) My first kiss... I don't remember....hum...must not have been important

24) Love is... something I'll never understand

25) Marriage is... something I believe is far or non-existent from my schedule in life

26) Somewhere, someone is thinking... about me! =D Or Mia most likely.

27) I'll always be... an introvert.

28) The last time I really cried... was a few weeks ago

29) My cell phone... is a rock. really.

30) Before I go to bed... I kiss & tuck Mia in.

31) My middle name... means "Dove"

32) Right now, I am thinking... about money

33) Today I... was busy

34) Tomorrow I... will be bust

35) I really want to... travel the world

36) The person most likely to re-post this... idk

37) The person least likely to re-post this... nadie.

38) My relationship with my parents... is not typical

39) My most treasured possession is... my life

40) My favorite pictures... are wonderful

41) I sing... all the time.... alone...

42) If I were a crayon... I'd be the coolest

43) Someday I want to travel... the world

44) I am wearing... clothing

45) My favorite language is... one that I can not speak

46) It hurts... when things are painful.

47) I am going to miss...my little baby staying a baby

48) My profile picture is... in the bathroom

49) I need... mo' money!

5 Month Mama

It seems like yesterday my little Du-du was only 6 pounds, 7 ounces.

Now she's about 14 pounds, too many ounces.

She's growing too fast for me. Teething. Laughing. Holding a conversation with me about who knows what. For all I know, she could be talking to me about how she had diarrhea today & how she didn't like her rice cereal too cold.

But whatever she talks about, she adds so much emotion to it! (Just like mama!)

And I dont know how I'm going to teach her Laotian... I have to teach myself!! I dont want her talkin behind my back when she goes to Grandma & Grandpa's house. (You know little girls love to gossip)

Other than that, I can't wait until she can walk. I have so many things planned for my little pooker.

Strawberry pickin' in the summer. Walks in the park. Trips to the beach. Aquarium. Shopping (of course). Dance lessons. Gymnastics. Anything that our little hearts can dream of.

And someday, I hope to take her around the world. I want her to be able to see things she'll never have to deal with here and see why people try so hard to find freedom. Also, opening her mind to new cultures will help her understand the world and people in it as she gets older...

Expensive, but fun.

Until then, I'll continue to teach her how to roll over (she only goes half way & rolls back), crawl, talk, walk, and be a loving child with good morals. =]

My little papaya...

A night on the town.

Well, June 6th, I went out with some of the girls! Hey hey hey!
Hair did, lookin fly. U dig?
It was me, Adiam, Telicia & Nicole. Heading out for a night on the town! Going where no little black girls have ever gone before! Well...atleast none of us.

It all started with a nice dinner at Atlantic Station. I LOVE that area. So urban. Busy. Bustling. Ahhh.... my kinda place. Now only if I could afford an apartment there, I'd jizz in my pants.
Anyway. I am SO happy that we picked California Pizza Kitchen because:

#1: It was a nice little restaurant & nicely decorated.
#2: The prices weren't rediculous.
#3: The wait wasn't long.
#4: MATTHEW K!!

oOOooOH! Lawd! I usually dont go for white guys, but my Jebus! he looked good! Our little Abercrombie model ;] And what made it funnier is that we were ALL crushin' on his fine lil ass.mmm-mmm-mmm. LMAO. Then he started small talk with us about some black guy who looked lik Ice T. I was so intranced by his beauty, that I didn't register that he was talking to us. Then, embarrassingly, I had to be the fool & ask to take a pic with him. >.<> jizzed in my pants AGAIN with how tall he was. oh... dear... I like em tall.**drools a little** Anyway. Enough about our secret lover....

We left to head over to Dreamz. Oh yeah! Get our party on boy!!!! Only to find out...
**It was 21 and older that night.**
WTH. For real. First we couldn't find the damn place, then find out its 21+ tonight of all nights?! God.
I just wish someone, maybe the suggestor, could have told me that it was for the grown & sexy some nights so maybe i could have done more research...*cough-cough* but its all good... all good...

So we roll out to Club Miami. After about 2 hours of waiting and $20 later, we get our little sexy selves in there. And good lord. Did we see some junk up in there. Two guys who had hair like Baron (aka Dirrty for G's to Gents), a girl with THE BIGGEST ASS i've seen, some african nerds from GA Tech (they were talking loud enough) and the typical hooker.

Not what I expected. only 35% of ppl were dancing. The go-go dancers in the middle were not that attractive. (I shoulda been up there!) And it was just crazy. so many people. Not to mention me & Adiam got probed in the back by some fugly mo-fo! Sick-o... Then I got stalked up my booty by this guy my friend tried to hook me up with waaaay back in the day. Tell me why he popped up around me EVERYWHERE in the club?!

Other than the little down falls we had along the way, I must say, it was quite an eventful night! Fun times. Laughs. Pics. And not to mention Matt... again...and I needed a good night out with my newly *single* status, I deserved a night out on the town. =]

Sorry to those who couldnt join our fun. Maybe next time, you'll be cool enough to roll with the cool kids. ;)

My outfit. Sexy, eh??

And then there were two...

After so long with the same person in my life, it's kind of hard to believe they're actually gone.

Being with him was my longest and most serious relationship I've ever had. Possibly because we had a child together or maybe because I tried to see something in him that maybe was never there to begin with. 

But now it's gone, over, done.

After he left, I thought to myself, "Did I make the right decision?" "Should I have given it another try?" "Why do I feel so bad about a decision I thought would make me feel better?"

I cried so hard after everything was over that I made myself sicker than I already was because I didn't know how I should have felt and if I was doing the right thing for Mia....

Knowing my daughter may grow up in a single parent household scares me because that is something I did not want, but then again, life takes its own path sometimes. 

Sitting at home for the first time as a single mother and single lady was awkward to me. Its like I was missing something. Plus I was getting sick anyway, which made it harder for me to care for Mia. Mother was at work; daddy isn't here anymore. And its not like Nacho could take care of her. (I wish!) 

I just never thought it would have gotten this far. And even though a part of me wants us to work out, the other part feels as if nothing ever changes. Especially THAT easily.

I'm not sure how I feel. I guess the biggest word I can think of is disappointment.

Disappointed because I didnt try to make it work for Mia.

Disappointed that it didnt turn out so great.

Disappointed that I may never be in a happy relationship... ever...

And that's why I sometimes wonder why I even bother with relationships when so many just end in disaster, especially this one.

But I guess that's life. You win some, and you lose more. (Or atleast that's how I feel)