Another Year Has Passed...

My 19th birthday is tomorrow and Mia will be 9 months tomorrow.
Yay for 01/21/09 and 10/21/90.
I still think it is so amazing how our birthdays are the same thing backwards. I always knew I made the right decision by not aborting my little stink because something told me that this would change my life in some way... And it has.

One year ago, I was 6 months pregnant. Looking like a bubble and did not expect such a little thing human could change my life so drastically.
From my daughter:

I have learned to not be selfish.

I have learned to appreciate each day that I have.

I am more careful with my life. I don't speed anymore.

I have learned that I don't have to go out and party every weekend to have fun; staying at home and singing the theme song to Backyardigans, Ni Hao Kai Lan and Wonder Pets & clapping along is just as fun for me.

I have learned that "finding Prince Charming" is now unimportant and I could care less; I have my little princess here and she will forever be 1000 times better than any wanna-be Prince.

I love that she can eat and share food with me now. She loves rice, veges and Italian food!

I can't wait until she is a little older so we can go out to eat together; I'll always have a lunch/shopping buddy now when my friends are unavailable.

I still find myself sitting next to her crib and watching her sleep & still think it is amazing that I have made such a beautiful thing. And in only 3 more months, she will be a year old. I can't believe how fast time has passed. I went from watching her sleep 16 hours a day to sitting up to crawling and waving good bye to me & saying "Mama" and "Baba".

In one year, my life has been completely turned around. Even though it gets pretty tough with school, family and a social life, but with my little Stink-stink by my side, I know I can get through this...

Surveys!

All About My Daughter!

Her full name is:
Mia Phoukeo Khaiphanliane
Her birthday is:
January 21, 2009
Her astrological sign is:
Aquarius
She was born in:
A Hospital
I pushed for:
about 20 minutes
Labor with my daughter lasted:
about 2 hours
She weighed:
6lbs 7ounces
Her hair was:
Black & pin straight
She looks more like:
her dad.
Her eye color is:
Brown
Her room is decorated in:
Yellow & white patterns
Her favorite toy is:
her little striped zebra & monkey
Her favorite snack/food is:
Bananas
Her favorite show to watch is:
Spongebob
She sleeps:
very well
Her mommy's name is:
Raven
Her daddy's name is:
Tyler
Who visited you in the hospitol?
Thanh, Adiam, Latresse, Courtney, my family, Tyler's family & friends
Did you have a baby shower?
yeah, 3
Was she a planned pregnancy?
No
Does she have any siblings?
Nope!
Do you plan to give her more siblings?
maybe adopt...
Is she a mommy's girl or daddy's girl?
Mommy's girl!
Did you breast feed?
Yup! But weening now...

Milestones

What was her 1st word?
Dii?
When did she 1st roll over?
about the end of April
When did she 1st sit up?
June
When did she start walking?
N/A

___________________________________________

El-Love-o

Name Four Things That You Wish You Had: More money, happiness, new car, love

Name Four Scents You Love: Apples, Dior Addict, Victoria's Secret Noir & Heavenly

Name Four Things You Did Today: Woke up, took Mia to Tyler's house, chilled with my bud & Facebooked

What is your current relationship status? Single-ing & mingling.

What is your sexual orientation? Straight

What sort of people do you like, as far as what their interests are in life? Goal-oriented, fun-loving people

What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest? Nice looking obviously. Doesnt look like a straight bum-face

What kind of fashion-sense attracts you? Anything that looks nice on u

What kind of hair style do you find attractive on a potential mate? anything but this...

What is the usual age range you look at? I'd have to say between 18-21. But the 18 has to be older than me. Nothing past October 21, 1990 at 10:41pm (pacific time) [yeah. im specific]

What traits turn you off? The hair like above, hella ghetto, cant understand what ur saying, dirty (physically), just straight fugly, too serious, overly jealous, the list goes on...

Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly? I'm doing the dating scene now & it seems pretty cool. Im not jumping into anything fast anymore

Are you afraid to ask people out on dates? Yes. To be honest. I guess its the insecurity kicking in

If you're single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship? I really don't care at the moment. If it happens, cool. If not, I'll be fine

What are the positive points about being single? No strings & contracts attatched, possibly. Freedom.

What are the negative points about being single? No one to pay for your dinner. lol. jk. No date to a wedding.

When single, do you often find yourself longing for companionship? No, that's what the girls are for!

How well do you handle rejection? Its ok. I'll get over it and move on

Do you miss your last sweetie? I'm fine.

Do you think it's better to look for love or let it find you? I say let it find me. I don't have time to go on a searching hunt.

What's the longest relationship you've ever been in? 1 year. And I'm surprised it even lasted that long. My god...

The shortest? ~1 month

Do you think couples should spend a very large amount of time together or space things out a tad? I say give each other space here & there. Not at their house from 8am to 12am every day

Have you ever found yourself worrying about commitment? Worrying?? Me?? No.

When involved with a person, do you try to think about the here and now or do you often think of the future? I try not to think of the future b/c u never know what might happen.

How do you prefer to handle disagreements? Talking.

How do you feel when your mate is mad at you and won't tell you why? Angry. Obviously.

Do you have a crush right now? Do they know? Yes and yes.

What's the longest period of time you've ever had a crush? oh god... idk... i'd say... about 2 years

Have you ever confessed your feelings to a crush? NEVER!!!

Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush? Nope. Usually no1 knows except God

Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you? Yeah

How do you feel about long-distance relationships? If both are willing to commit to it and u trust each other, then go for it. If not, *psh*... dont wasto your time...

Have you ever pined for someone when you're not around them? um... yeah... sure... awkward wording...

Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? I'm not the one to judge.

What would you do if you got pregnant while in a relationship? *cough-cough*

Would you get involved with someone if they were previously married? Sure. Why not??

How big of an issue is religion to your compatibility? I dont care

How big of an issue to you is your mate's ethnicity? Dont care. I have my likes & dislikes though

In a potential mate, how important is intelligence to you? . You better be able to hold am educated conversation.

In a potential mate, how important is a sense of humor to you? I love funny people. And they love me =D

What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face? Cute things people do. (duh)

What was your first kiss like? I dont even remember it...

What part of a person's body do you find most attractive? Their face

What's the first thing you look at when you look at someone you're attracted to? Their face/smile (if he smiles...)

How important are the looks of a mate's face to you? You can't be a hideous beast.

How important are the looks of a mate's body to you? Its whatever. I'm more of a personality person (See everyone! Raven B. is NOT a shallow bitch! In yo face!!!)

When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other? Both

Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren't seriously involved with? Yeah.

Were you single at the time? Yes

What are your ticklish areas? I'm not ticklish. Sorry =/

What do you most like about making out? Idk. its just there. What's there to like?

Are you a virgin? I have a kid. You tell me. Unless I'm like Mary....

Do you believe in love? Yeah cuz I love my Mu-mu!

Do you believe in love at first sight? No.

Has someone ever told you they loved you? Yes

Have you ever told someone you loved them and meant it? Yes. Stink-stink know ;]

Have you ever told someone you loved them and not meant it? Yeah

Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships? Monogamous. I aint gettin no STDs. I never learned how to share in kindergarten.

Have you ever been married? Nope

How do you feel about marriage? It's nice...Who knows?! Maybe I will one day.

If you're currently not married, do you foresee yourself ever tying the knot? Maybe. But idk to who or what I'm looking for

Do you plan on having children someday? dot-dot-dot

Have you ever had your heart broken? No

Have you ever been dumped? No

Have you ever dumped someone? Yes

Have you ever mutually broken up with someone? Yes. Thank God...

Has a romantic companion ever made you cry? Yes

Have you ever made a romantic companion cry? Yes. lol. sorry... I didnt mean to laugh. I just thought of a funny situation. hahahahaha! omg. let me stop...

Have you ever had an emotional pain so bad it made you sick or physically hurt? No.

Have you ever been unfaithful? NEVER EVER EVER NEVER NEVER EVER NEVER EVER! I'd cut myself first. (Yes, Raven B. has morals too even though im agnostic! Amazing!)

Have you ever been cheated on? Yes... sadly...

Have you ever learned an important lesson as a result of a break up? Yes.

Have you ever gotten back together with someone after breaking up? Yes. Why? Dont ask...

Did it work? Nope

Do you believe there's hope for people after they get back together or do you think the same problems that caused the initial break up will resurface? The problem is always there...

Have you ever broken up with someone and remained friends afterward? Yeah.

Have you ever broken up with someone and become bitter enemies? Oh yes. Im not saying any names...

If so, did you ever made amends? Never. We dont even look at each other if we see each other

Have you ever broken up with someone and lost touch? Yeah

Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication? Nope

Were you afraid to do so? N/A

Do you ever check up on old flames without actually contacting them? What. By stalking?? No.

If you've ever lost touch or went sour with someone you loved, how did it make you feel? I saw it coming...

Have you ever longed to get back together with someone? No. I haven't. Except with Johnny Depp. He just doesnt know we were together... lol

This I Promise You...

So, now these days with all the crazy relationship hype, "hook ups", one night stands, threesomes, foursomes, many-somes, and whatever else there is out there that I missed, it's hard to think there are any serious relationships left. Really.

But there are! And they're real!

Of course, I am not cool enough to be apart of this

clique, but maybe one day I will. =D

Woo-hoo!

Anyway. People in these "serious relationships" occasionally exchange gifts. Flowers, chocolates (ew!), clothing, jewlery, etc...

But I think the one thing many girl (and guys.... if you're that way) would love to get/have is a promise ring.

I know. AWWWWW! How cute! *tears of joy*

A beautiful piece of jewlery that shows that your love is dedicated to just one person (guy or girl) until you get married or die.... which ever comes first.

"Your in a wonderful relationship. Suddenly, on your 2 year anniversary, he pulls a box out of his pocket. You open it and see its a beautiful, sparkling ring lookin' you in the face! You squeel with excitement and put that baby right on you finger."

Sounds like a perfect teenage love story. Now you have some blang-blang on yo finger to show off & flaunt in front of your friends, family, strangers, your dog, etc. that says "Hey! I gotta man and he loves me so much he put a ring on it."

To me, I don't care about those types of things. If I was with a special someone, I wouldn't pressure him into getting me a promise ring just so I can show off to other girls that "I gotta man & he luh me!" (yes, I used "luh" not "love" to add emphasis on a ghetto accent) Singin' "Single Ladies" to him in his sleep so maybe he'll get the hint subconciously. ("If you like it then u better put a ring on it")

To Rav.en, rings don't symbolize jack to me unless you are getting married. Other than that, you can get me a ring. But to me, that doesn't necessarily mean you're not going to leave me for someone else or some other booty on the side. He might have got you the ring to make you shut up so he can sleep in peace. And not for the right reasons. As in "I'm getting you this ring to symbolize our love for one another." Not "Here trick. Now will you stop bothering me?!"

Serious heart break if he said/meant that.

But yes. Material possesions are not everything. I don't need a Bentley, Mercedes, Jaguar, some Cognac, a little yacht, or a vacation on a beautiful Croatian beach to show that someone cares. (But that Bentley & vacation would be nice)

To me, I don't need a ring to show or symbolize my feelings for someone I've been with for a while & deeply care about. Just knowing that we're on the same page is good enough for me. =D

Plus with this whole recession thing, who got money or good enough credit fo' a ring? Fo' realz.

Whatcha lookin' fo?

Have you ever had someone who looked for the bad in everything & just couldn't find it?

I have and it is not the greatest thing to experience. It's even worse when its a parent or a person you're in a relationship with.

I know someone who always looked for something wrong. If I was texting someone while walking through the door & didn't say "Hey" it was a disaster. "Who u texting? You're new boyfriend? You can't say 'Hi'?"

If I'm not talking as much: "What's wrong? You're not happy with me? Is there someone else?"

If I didn't text back fast enough: "Oh. You must be texting your new boyfriend."

I got so tired of it that I just wanted to yell out "Whatcha lookin' fo?! *hint: the title* Are you trying to convince me to cheat so you can prove your point?!"

I thought it would end when I was pregnant because who wants a pregnant girl? Honestly? What guy snatches up himself a preggy?? Exactly.

I looked like a whale. I literally looked like & felt like I had a basketball under my shirt that would move & kick your hand.

See! Look at this! Who would want a new girlfriend that looked like this?

But being the nice person I am, I never said anything.

I did the quiet, subtle thing, and left.

I can't deal with a person who would sit there and worry about me cheating that much that it crippled our relationship. Really. I'm better off alone. Even if it means I'd have to work twice as hard to live a stable life.

I never knew how important trust was in a relationship was until then...

But I'm done with that era of my life & moving on to bigger, badder & better things. =]

Just me, myself & I.

It's been almost a month on my own now after a year, 3 months & I cant remember how many days with the same guy & a baby later.

And you know what? I like it. And I'll keep liking it until I can find someone worthy of the great Raven's presence & time.

Really... We all deserve a good guy or girl more than once in our lives. Don't we?

OOoh! We break up to make up... Ooooh!

Abusive Relationships Are Like An Ice Cream Sundae... datingish

This was some very good writing. And I enjoyed it quite a bit.

If you didnt read it, it's pretty much saying why cover up a bad relationship with good things just to think it will make up for the bad. Such as "putting sprinkles on a shitty sundae" (quoted from the blog). I loved that metaphor because we do it SO MUCH, especially in relationships. Sugar coating a pickle will never make it taste good. EVER. Just thinking about how it will taste is actually making me gag a little.... No girl or boy should have to cover up what they don't like with wonderful things he or she does or thinking he or she will change because, in the end, they won't. Unless he or she REALLYwants to. Point made.

Yay! Another Journal Entry!

"Dear Mia,
We had fun yesterday for Father's day. Even though you still have that damned diarrhea, you still managed to put a smile on that pudgey little face. We spent the whole day with Daddy. Obviously for Father's day, it was only right. Grandma Phoukeo bought a blow-up pool for you & Jayden to play in, but you hated the cold water. Everytime we put you're feet in, your little face would scrunch up & you'd cry. So Daddy held you're big butt the whole time whild Jayden played. Speaking of big butt, tell me why at 4/5 months of age you're booty couldn't fit into a 6-9 month old bathing suit? I had to exchange it for a 12 month suit because you're butt and hips were squished in that 6-9 month. Even with out a diaper on, your booty was squeezed in there. I guess you definitely got the black side when it came to the bottom half of you're body. *Laughs* Well, atleast you got a tan and spent time with your father on his one day out of the whole year. Because you know the other 363 days are designated as one for Mommy and the rest for you."

And then there were two...

After so long with the same person in my life, it's kind of hard to believe they're actually gone.

Being with him was my longest and most serious relationship I've ever had. Possibly because we had a child together or maybe because I tried to see something in him that maybe was never there to begin with. 

But now it's gone, over, done.

After he left, I thought to myself, "Did I make the right decision?" "Should I have given it another try?" "Why do I feel so bad about a decision I thought would make me feel better?"

I cried so hard after everything was over that I made myself sicker than I already was because I didn't know how I should have felt and if I was doing the right thing for Mia....

Knowing my daughter may grow up in a single parent household scares me because that is something I did not want, but then again, life takes its own path sometimes. 

Sitting at home for the first time as a single mother and single lady was awkward to me. Its like I was missing something. Plus I was getting sick anyway, which made it harder for me to care for Mia. Mother was at work; daddy isn't here anymore. And its not like Nacho could take care of her. (I wish!) 

I just never thought it would have gotten this far. And even though a part of me wants us to work out, the other part feels as if nothing ever changes. Especially THAT easily.

I'm not sure how I feel. I guess the biggest word I can think of is disappointment.

Disappointed because I didnt try to make it work for Mia.

Disappointed that it didnt turn out so great.

Disappointed that I may never be in a happy relationship... ever...

And that's why I sometimes wonder why I even bother with relationships when so many just end in disaster, especially this one.

But I guess that's life. You win some, and you lose more. (Or atleast that's how I feel)

Marriage? Relationship status? Facebook?

Gosh! It seems like lately everyone has been getting married & having babies left & right! Every where I look: babies, pregnancy, engagements, "in a relationship" status change, (They say its not offical til you see it on facebook!) marriages, etc...

And then there's Raven. The new mommy with the crazy relationship & internal emotions that are constantly on the rocks jumping from 1 lily pad to another & barely missing the the deep depths of the unknown. (I like metaphors. Alot)

 I dont know what's up with me. People always ask "Are you & Tyler gonna get married??" How am I supposed to know? I just had a baby, so that's about 80% of my income; I have bills to pay; going to school; when would I have time to get married? Let alone think about it.  

Just because people have kids together doesnt mean they were meant for each other, let alone mean there is a shot-gun wedding comin' around the corner. 

Who knows! Maybe I'll never get married. Maybe I will. Maybe I'll turn lesbian! No.... scratch that last one... (No offense to my LGBT brothers & sisters)

I just dont think I'd be ready for that type of commitment at the current moment. Plus, I'm more on the independent side of life. I dont like depending on people for things. That's why I got a job IMMEDIATELY after I turned 16, and have been working ever since.

I just want to make sure that I'm doing things right first with me & the most important person in my life (Miaphoukeokhaiphanliane) before I just throw myself into something so big. Besides! If my little stinker-binker doesn't approve, you gone!

until then, I'll leave you with this...