2009.

Within the past 365 days, I believe I have grown up more than I ever would have expected to. Reflect with me, please...

January 2009: I'm 8 months pregnant, withdrawn from school and big as a muther. I caught the flu January and took medicine for the first time my during my whole pregnancy because I wanted my baby to be completely toxin/chemical free. Then, Mia decided to come out of nowhere at 5:05am on January 21st. I didn't even have time to get an epidural, pain medication or anything because I was already 9cm when I got into the hospital. Weighing 6 pounds 7 ounces, she was possibly the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, and looking just like her father's clone. I just never thought a little baby would put me through so much pain, yet teach me SO much. After 6 LONG days in the hospital, we are finally sent home to be a precious family.

February 2009: Tyler, Mia and I live together in my house. Things are good. Our relationship was better now than it was during the whole pregnancy. I guess it's because we were more like a family. Tyler got a job and everything is looking up.

March 2009: Rishona has a little girl also. Only 6 weeks younger than Mia.

May 2009: Nwenna and Joe get married and she's having a baby. What a growing family...

June 2009: Tyler and I broke up. As much as I didn't want to break up out happy little family or take Mia's father away from her, I just feel like we both wanted different things at that moment. I wanted a strong, supportive father and a loving daughter, while I'm not sure what he wanted. It was extremely difficult, and I'll admit it. I sometimes STILL think (6 months later) if I made the right decision or not. I guess that's life. You win some, you loose some. Things are not pretty at all between us...

July 2009: I finally saw my sister, Callie, for the first time in three years. It was wonderful, especially since the whole family didn't know she was coming at all. Sadly, one of my best friends and Mia's god mother, Thanh moves to South Carolina... I began shopping and charging things to my credit card like crazy as a way to help me cope with the break up. Not a good choice, but it's not like I had anyone to just talk to. The card was my therapy and my killer.

August 2009: I start my school career again after a 7 month break. I was difficult. Being away from home from 8am until sometimes 5, 6 or 7 o'clock. Going home to do homework for hours and hours on end. I seriously don't know how I survived or didn't attempt to self-mutilate myself. I was completely broke, completely lacking confidence and a mother. These things don't match at all. With very little help, I picked myself up and kept moving forward.

September 2009: My credit card bills have been choking me and my wallet. There were times that I wouldn't buy lunch because I had to choose between gas, diapers and wipes or food. I began to loose weight and had utter exhaustion, with the combination of stress from school and lack of eating, along with much hair loss. I seriously did not think I could make it through the school year. Contemplated picking up bad habits to relieve the pain? Yes. Did I act on it? No, because I would be deeply hurt if I was the cause of Mia's suffering.

October 2009: I turned 19 years old and Callie decides to move back to Georgia with the family. It's better this way because she missed ALOT within those 3 years she was in New Jersey/New York. Graduations, birthdays, babies, laughs, tears, love...

And now...

December 2009: My baby is almost a year and has grown up from a squirming little bean into a crawling, soon to be walking machine with her own personality and attitude. She makes me laugh all the time even though she doesn't even know what she's doing. Tyler and I are still not together, but our relationship as mother and father, rather than "my baby mama & my baby daddy". are mending slowly. My finances are so much better now and I don't see as much hair in the sink. I still haven't found a "Prince Charming" to sweep me off my feet, but hey! I'm still young and in no need to rush. Maybe if he'll stop looking at the sluts and see me behind them, he'll come faster. Nwenna has her little baby and survives her crazy labor.

And it's officially 21 minutes into the year 2010. I've been through extraordinary experiences in the past 365 days that have slapped me in the face with multiple wake up calls. From sleep deprivation to collection calls to depression to happiness. I have been through it all. Sure, it hurt me, but Buddha says life is suffering and overcoming it. So, bring on any more challenges. I think I can handle almost anything at this point...

Dear Mia...

So, it's been almost a year since that wonderful and painful day you came into this world. We have been through a bunch of ups and downs, I want to start by apologizing now for some of the things that maybe could have been avoided before I start thanking and reminiscing on the good. As they say, "We all learn to make mistakes and run from them", but I'm not running. I'm facing them.

First off, I'm sorry for me and Daddy breaking up. We were headed in different paths and as much as I wanted (and still want) us to be little happy family, I just can't right now. It's too much for me to handle and I know I'll explain it to you on day, but for now, I'll just leave it at that. It's been 6 months of just me and you. I think you have developed into a fine, mean young lady despite all the statistics of single parent households... Maybe one day we will be a family again. Maybe...

I'm sorry for not having any professional pictures of you, or us ,or you, me and Daddy done. I will one day. I promise. It's just been a VERY rough year for me and whenever I saved up enough for you to get pictures done, some other financial burden came up. Car problems, school books, gas, bills left and right. But I promise. I'll get some done eventually.

I'm sorry for being so stressed out all the time and only wanting to sleep or just be alone. School kicked me in the face this year. Money has sprayed me in the eyes with pepper spray. There were times when I did not think I made the right decision by not putting you up for adoption because I felt horrible that I did not have the time or energy to even feed you, play with you, or even put you to sleep. I'd sit and do hours and hours of homework having 8+ hours of school and work, and by the time I'd finish, you would be sleeping. There were days when I wouldn't see you at all because I went to school at 8am, then drove an hour after school to another job and made it home at 11pm when you were sleeping. But I'm learning to manage my time a little better now and maybe try not to work so much... Not yet though. Mommy still is in a hole...

I'm sorry for not being around as often as I would like to. I never thought I'd never be able to see you and we life in the same house. Leaving the house with you sleeping and coming back home with you sleeping again is depressing. I know one day, it won't be like this.

I'm sorry for being a jealous mommy. Jealous of the other young mommy's who have the lifestyle I wished I could have raised you in. Two parent household, semi-stable family, stable enough finances, and not have to choose whether to buy you a new hat and jacket for the winter, or gas and tires for my car.

I'm sorry for Granny and I fighting in front of you so much. As much as I love Granny, she just doesn't understand that you are my child and believe that my parenting skills are adequate enough. Yes, she is one of the reasons why I can't be around you as often as I would like because she doesn't think I feed you correctly, change you diaper right, dress you appropriately or even breathe correctly. Maybe one day she will back off. No.... No she won't. Not until I can afford to get us our own place, which isn't any time soon. Until then, I guess you'll have two mommy's.

I'm sorry for not being strong enough to tell Granny to back off. I've tried but it just end up in shatters and I'm ignored.

I'm sorry things didn't turn out as happily as I thought they would.

But on the bright side, we have each other and we're still healthy and alive.

My 2010 Goals

So, 2010 is just around the corner and I believe I need to set some goals in my life to keep me inspired and on track. So, here we go!:

#1) Be happy despite the many down falls, many events of bad luck (which seems to follow me like a stalker), and financial burdens. I'm still alive, right? Why not be happy about that?

#2) Save up $2000. Why you ask?
-To buy myself a Mac since my laptop is deteriorating slowly after only 1 year =[
-Have something to fall back on to... for once...

This is probably highly unlikely because every time I save a little over $100, some kind of financial crap comes up. New tires, car jacks up & I need another new car battery (Ive already gotten 2 and my car is barely 3 years old), another bill to pay, medical expenses, etc...

#3) Be healthy. In shape. And possibly loose the extra 5 pounds I gained this year from the stress from school and work and the extra carbohydrate intake I've had in order to give my body a boost of energy for the lack of sleep I obtained. -__-

#4) Sleep more. End of story.

#5) Buy a new camera before Mia's first birthday. I know I said I wanted to get one before Mia's first Christmas, BUT I found out I need to buy new car tires AND my pockets seem pretty light. So this Christmas won't be so cheerful and I don't want to remember it. Or for her to realize that she only got 3 gifts for her first Christmas... Next year will hopefully be better.

#6) Be financially stable. Do I need to say more?

#7) Pay off my HUGE credit card debt. I don't even know how much I owe anymore. I just pay what I can every time I get money now. @___@

#8) Be a good mom despite the fact that I'm rarely at home.

#9) Be a good student and get more scholarships. I don't need more debt in my life...

#10) Take Mia and myself on a well deserved vacation somewhere far, far away from here. Dominican Republic? Thailand? Croatia? Greece?

#11) Find a way to help others. I was thinking of becoming a mentor for young girls who need someone in their lives to inspire them or volunteer in Laos to teach children how to read and speak English. I'm already learning the alphabet & doing quite well. Let's see how this goes...

#12) Learn and teach Mia how to read and speak Laotian. Seems pretty simple now from the beginners junk I've learned...

Why Is Life So Hard?

A question we all ask ourselves... well, maybe not all, but most of us ask at some point in our lives.

Me, being the non-religious person I am, I do not believe life is hard because of the whole Adam and Eve being banned from the garden of Eden caused our lives to be difficult.

But I do believe everyone has some sort of problems in their lives, no matter how rich, poor, or middle class you are.

If you ask me, I think I have a HUGE black cloud that follows me EVERYWHERE!! Really. And it isn't even me that causes the problems. It's external dilemmas that ALWAYS seem to pop up everyday and put me in a horrid mood. I can't remember one day that I have been happy the whole day through.
Here are some examples:

My Car- Everyone knows I like to keep my car nice, neat, clean and free of any altercations. Well, now it has an altercation. An issue came up where now there is a quite large dent in my hood and the alarm won't work on it as well as it should. This happened in, I believe, June. Cost to fix it? $550. How much have I saved up to fix this? $0.00. Nice, eh? I would have saved more, but I have a kid to take care of and $150 biweekly just doesn't cut about anything.

My Credit Cards- Are currently maxed out. This is what happens when you try to live a normal lifestyle with an unsteady income. Current balance? About $1500. I really don't pay attention anymore as long as I pay a little every 2 weeks when I get paid.

My Camera- Has been in my life for about 3 years now. I remember when I first bought it. It was about June 2007 and it cost $250. I loved it dearly and people who know me well know that I do not travel anywhere with out my camera. My camera was my 3rd baby. I love it more than my phone. I love pictures. I think pictures are more than just pieces of paper. They are memories. It tears my heart to pieces to throw away photo albums (which I was forced to do for undisclosed reasons) I guess its because my mom's pictures were all lost or destroyed, so I have no clue what she looked like before her senior year picture. But now, it is broken. No more pictures of Mia's development which REALLY hurts alot because I am working on a book (and scrapbook) about her and I need pictures. Dearly. Unless I can some how use my paycheck from this 2nd job and squeeze by with my library check for a few weeks, I guess I'll just be depressed/angered for a while. =[

School- Is kicking my behind this semester. I am not sure what it is but I can NOT get enough sleep at night. I will get 8-9hours of sleep a night, wake up, and be completely exhausted STILL. I can't remember anything I do in class by the time I get home. I'll study chemistry or math for 6 hours and forget everything I just did. I don't know what is wrong with me, but if this keeps up, I am just going to have to stop doing the Pre-Med thing and just do something less demanding. Maybe something that will require less energy. I swear, I think I drive to school half asleep some days because I'll be at one area and pop back into consciousness 5 minutes later. I need to see a doctor...

Money & Males- Yeah. Don't have it. Never had it. I always seem to take care of EVERYONE except myself. I don't even think I've even had a boyfriend that actually bought ME dinner or bought ME a nice gift for my birthday or Christmas or anything. (I've always been the man in the relationship. Whipping out my card to pay for the movie, dinner, etc...) I literally attract Mama's boys and beggars. It's always ME spending my hard earned money on others who do not deserve it. Which I have learned to completely stop. And I also think it's a reason why I would rather be alone than in a relationship... but who knows. I'd take being alone for the rest of my life than to have some punk @&* boy all up under me. I already have 1 kid. Don't need two...

But they always say that life doesn't come easily and each struggle you come out stronger.
So after all this mess, I'm probably gonna be the freakin' Hulk, man...

Before I go to sleep...

I would like to talk about my life at the current moment.

The school year is almost over and the only thing I worry about is passing Calculus and Chemistry. I think I might have to take Calc. over again because I can NOT understand my teacher's lessons and I want a better grade than what I am getting. Idk. Math and me used to be friends until college came along. I had never taken any calculus courses in high school because, frankly, my counselors and what not did not believe I was good enough for such "high leveled courses". But, of course, they give the courses to the popular students and the students who procrastinate, copy homework all day and just squeeze by from sucking up to the teachers.
I know not all people did that, but trust me. Some did...

And now I am going to start working at Outback! Woo-hoo. Two jobs. Full week of school. Three hour lab once a week and 2 hour volunteer TPSL hours a week. Gosh. I have no clue how I am going to get all of this done, but it will some how... I hope...

Plus I NEED, not want, but DESPERATELY NEED money at this moment. The call to become a drug dealer has never been so strong... but I know I could never do such a thing, even though it is quick, and illegal money. =/

It's just me taking care of Mia. My mother helps as much as she can, but my daughter is MY responsibility and I need to be able to support her in all ways that I can. That is why I am taking on this second job so I can buy her clothes, formula, take her out to eat frozen yogurt or even buy myself a shirt or shoes for once since I haven't stepped foot into a store to buy myself clothes in SO long. Besides. Who has time to shop when your homework is like another full time job right there. On average, I do homework about... 5 hours a night with a few breaks in between. Its like I have 4 jobs right now. Homework, School, Mia, Work Study, Outback.
Oh, sorry. I can't count. 5 jobs.

Now, you may be asking, "Where is Mia's father? Why isn't he helping?"

Well, frankly, I don't know what to tell you. We broke up 5 months and 6 days ago. I decided not to bug him with any stress like "when u gonna get Mia? She need this, she needs that, I'm going out, can you watch her?" until he got his life together and decided to step up and be a father to his daughter. (Since he wanted to be the young child with no responsibilities still.) I have put my social life and financial situation on the back burner for this decision. (I've had to skip paying credit card bills to support Mia & myself actually which hasn't made anything easier...)

I just didn't think it would take 5 months, 6 days and counting to realize that you have a daughter that would like to have her father around. Or realization of, "Hey! I have a kid... She kinda needs things like food, water, clothes, attention, love, diapers, wipes, shoes, hair and bath things, a bed, medicine..." But I guess those things haven't clicked yet...

Does it make me angry? Who wouldn't be? Does it cause more stress? Hell yes, it does. Am I going to change this? Well, I can't unless everyone wants to change. Sure, times are hard.... Rough... VERY difficult right now, but I have survived so far, and we will survive later on in life.
Yes, I'd like to keep my hair and I needed to loose weight anyway, but in the end, things will work out for the better, and I really do believe Mia will appreciate ALL I have done for her as a young mother when she gets older.

She'll look back and say, "My mom had me at 18 with no set plan for the future, no job and just a dream to become a doctor. She was a single mother in an elite college and 2 jobs. She taught herself how to speak and write in Lao so she could teach me also. Despite the homework and stress, she still managed to be there for me when I needed her, when I was sleepy, when I fell down, or even when I wanted her to watch Yo Gabba Gabba and sing the whole theme song of Ni Hao, Kai-Lan to me with a hug. She was always there."

All I really want to do is make my daughter proud of me despite my many flaws and struggles we have in our life right now.

Another Year Has Passed...

My 19th birthday is tomorrow and Mia will be 9 months tomorrow.
Yay for 01/21/09 and 10/21/90.
I still think it is so amazing how our birthdays are the same thing backwards. I always knew I made the right decision by not aborting my little stink because something told me that this would change my life in some way... And it has.

One year ago, I was 6 months pregnant. Looking like a bubble and did not expect such a little thing human could change my life so drastically.
From my daughter:

I have learned to not be selfish.

I have learned to appreciate each day that I have.

I am more careful with my life. I don't speed anymore.

I have learned that I don't have to go out and party every weekend to have fun; staying at home and singing the theme song to Backyardigans, Ni Hao Kai Lan and Wonder Pets & clapping along is just as fun for me.

I have learned that "finding Prince Charming" is now unimportant and I could care less; I have my little princess here and she will forever be 1000 times better than any wanna-be Prince.

I love that she can eat and share food with me now. She loves rice, veges and Italian food!

I can't wait until she is a little older so we can go out to eat together; I'll always have a lunch/shopping buddy now when my friends are unavailable.

I still find myself sitting next to her crib and watching her sleep & still think it is amazing that I have made such a beautiful thing. And in only 3 more months, she will be a year old. I can't believe how fast time has passed. I went from watching her sleep 16 hours a day to sitting up to crawling and waving good bye to me & saying "Mama" and "Baba".

In one year, my life has been completely turned around. Even though it gets pretty tough with school, family and a social life, but with my little Stink-stink by my side, I know I can get through this...

This is for You.

Yeah, so there is this boy named Keenan.
He's black.
Tall.

And goes to school in Ohio.

He waits last minute to do his homework, and still seems to do fine.

Babies his super cool fuel-flex Impala.

Chillax-es with the homies on a regular basis.

And parties like a rock star on the weekend.

What a wonderful life he has, right?

I on the other hand...

I'm short.

My "black card" was taken away a long time ago.

I do my homework all day and all weekend, and still do not excel in class.

I have a baby that keeps me from concentrating on homework.

I don't have "homies" at school nor do I mingle there either. Just acquaintances. I'm a major loner. (Class, Work, Home)

My car is a car and nothing more.

I only get to see & hang out with my friends once a month if that.

I don't party like a rock star on the weekends. I actually have never been to a party before in my life. Was never invited in high school. Don't know about the ones at school because, frankly, I don't talk to people at school really... so yeah. Not a partier.

What opposites. I guess the personalities and events that happen in high school follow you into college & so on.

He's still Mr. Popular.
I'm still that girl over there.

Dear Mia,

"Dear Mia,

Eight months and one week ago, you were only 6 pounds 8 ounces. So small. So beautiful. So angelic. I can't believe that in 4 more months, you will be a year old. I am not sure if words can express the joy and happiness you have brought me. I know all of these journal entries I am writing are about how much I love you, and blah, blah, boring, but it is the only thing I feel when I look at you.

I can't believe something that caused me SO much pain could have brought me so much joy also. I thought I was going to die when I was having you. Literally. And I guess I better get this out also. You were almost a toilet baby. When I got to the hospital & went to the bathroom in immense pain to change into the gown, I decided to pee also. I just didn't know I was going to have a contraction while peeing & I naturally started to push... meaning you could have fallen out in the toilet. Hahaha! I just thought I'd let you know. So be thankful that I stopped myself. =]

It's been 4 months since Daddy and I have been split up. Since then, we haven't talked much. He'd just text for you to come over for a little. I'd drop you off and get you a couple hours later without saying anything to him. It wasn't pretty, but we are better now. We talk more now & I even stay sometimes while you and Daddy play. It's funny how much you look like him and even sleep like him. You both sleep like crazy fools. And Daddy has a new job. I'm very proud of him. You should too, if you knew what a job was...

You are crawling so well now! You're just growing up so fast now & not even slowing down for me. I want my little, stinky, do nothing baby back!! It's hard for me to realize that you are growing up so fast because I'm not home often. School has me all over the place and gone from 8am-4pm sometimes 7am-5pm or later. Then when I get home, I have so much homework to do that I haven't put you to sleep for at least 2 weeks now. It makes me sad because I barely have time to play with you, hug you, or even feed you. And if I do, I have to get right back to studying because its so hard for me to remember... anything now. I guess lack of sleep... On top of that, money is not Mommy's friend... But that's another story....

But one day, things will get better and I will be able to hold you all day... Until you become a teenager and think I'm just a lame mama.

Creepers. *Psh*

I know I will never understand the male species, but...

You guys know you do some strange junk. Especially when it comes to trying to hit on a girl.

I hate when I'm sitting peacefully in the car, waiting for the red light to change when my little invisible friend in the car tells me to look to my right.
There is some ugly, gorilla-lookin' dude in the car next to me jockin' the mess outta me like he's NEVER seem someone of the female species before. Sheesh. So I go back to looking straight forward.
Then he tries to SAY something now. I guess he didn't realize that I was IGNORING his ugly face. Omg. So then I just rolled up that window. Yet, he still insists on looking through the tint to see my face... Pathetic...

Another guy pulled up next to me once & realized that I have tinted windows. So he decided to pull up a little further so he could see me clearly through the windshield. Really? That was completely lame and uncalled for...

Then the creepiest one was at my school. I work in the morning, so I'm walking to the library at about 9am. I hear one of the golf carts that the service workers drive around campus behind me so I'm like whatever! Do-dodo-do-dodo-dooo. Then I think " Dang. This freakin' cart hasn't passed me yet?! Dude drivin' hella slow cuz I ain't walking THAT fast." Then I realize he is right beside me. So I look over & this ugly old man with a big smile on his face is like "Hey."
So I said "Hi" and hopped, skipped & scurried my little self down to the library faster than fast.

I saw him again when I was at my car. I was getting my books out the back seat & he pulled up to do something & I slammed the door & rustled away quickly. Gosh...

(I love how I used words that I would relate to a squirrel or animal running from danger. "Scurry, rustle". lol)

Really. Do you think you can be the next Hugh Hefner?

You can't afford me if your just a service worker/technician. *psh*

So what are your creepy, strange, hitting on stories?

Body Image & Me

I think I'm gonna start a "word/phrase & Me" series... Seems good

Body Image?
According to studies, we all see each other & ourselves differently. To me, I may be light brown. To him, I am dark brown. To her, her arms are short, but when her friend sees her, her arms are long. Then, there is body dysmorphia when someone sees themselves literally nothing like how they look. They may think they look like the elephant man sometimes, but that's a different story...

I think we all have a little body dysmorphic disorder in us... to an extent.
Like to myself, I have the hugest thighs. Ever.
And no matter what people say will not change my mind because you don't have to fit these boulders into some jeans. Sheesh.
I blame genes & gymnastics. Most gymnasts have dem thighs.

(big huh?)

I have the worse lower body shape.
My waist is little. My butt is average but I have hips. Then the monsters I call "thighs".
Jeans are SO hard to buy/wear because my waist is too small, so there is that NASTY space at the top. (Its so big sometimes, you can look down & see my underwear. its like an inner tube, literally) All just to fit the booty. Then the thighs barely even fit. ugh. My waist is made for a size 3. Butt/hips, size 5. Thighs, size 4.
My thighs look like this...

No, but they are more like this...

Guys love 'em. I dislike 'em
Actually, they look EXACTLY like this. Round, large & have absolutely 0 space between them when you stand with your leg together. And when I mean ZERO i mean paper shredder tight. Until you get to the knees of course. Then its normal. =D
I occasionally dream that I will wake up and they will look like this...

I'd be able to go shopping & not have to worry about squeezing into anything or fitting one thing perfectly & the other be on its own. Then I think realize this will never happen because I am not genetically to EVER look like this.
Even Mia has thighs like a muther effer!! Already!

But then I try to look on the bright side.

My thighs are full of fat & muscle to that will always be warm in the winter.

I have enough thigh strength to kick your face.

Gymnastics is easy for me b/c my thighs hold alot of power.

and the best one of all...

They don't have cellulite!!!

What is one thing you don't like about yourself, why and how do you cope with it?

School & Me

I haven't written on here in a while so here I go...

before I go to Math, so this better be quick.

I finally got back into the school world after a 7 month maternitybreak.
I know. Wouldn't all pregnant women love to have a maternity leave THAT long? You get to see everything!

But anyway, Like I thought, it was gonna be a big jump from no education & hard work to living the fast track of Emory University Education System. The teachers demand A LOT of your time because all of the students, except the selected 6 or so, are required to live on campus. The schedule tutoring at 7pm, have TPLS where you kinda volunteer at places & pretty much do research on the place you choose, movies after class, 8am tests before class tests, 2pm after class tests. Not to mention the social clubs. Its easy if you live on campus.

I, on the other hand, drive 60 miles a day every day to school. That equals up to about... I'd say $40-50 in gas a week. $200 a month or so. I come on the weekends to work on group projects, which takes away from my Mia/resting time. I don't join the clubs & such because, frankly, I wouldn't have a life anymore. I have labs 2:30-5:30 once a week. I work in the library 3 days a week (10 hours total). Then I get home & Mia is there with her smiling, mischevious self & I forget about all the stress I have through out the day.

Of course, it is harder to do your homework at home because there are more distractions than if you lived in the dorm. Mother is always calling me to come do this or go do that or talking about this & that and what Oprah & Dr. Phil said. Or this-Swine-flu-that
Now that Mia is crawling, she tries to eat my paper & see what I'm doing. (She loves exploring!)
I try to support my nephew in his baseball games & go to his practices & games. Then, I study here & there hoping the segmented material come together & stick in my head.

Now I see why so many girls who do have kids at a young age just drop out & try to find a sugar daddy to take care of them. It's very hard juggling a school, mothering, and a social life. I cant even remember the last time I went out with a friend to have fun.... Really... I think it was... Like August... The beginning/middle of August. Some girls can't handle it.
I know it's hard for me because it seems like everything is slapping me in the face now & I realize that I can't play with Mia or take her out as much as I used to, but I try as hard as I can to.

Inthe end, juggling as a single mother is not easy and I respect anyone out there who is doing the same thing because it does take a tole on you (my hair is falling out like mad).

But I guess it will all be worth in the end, right?

Dear Mia...

And yet another Dear Mia entry...

"Dear Mia,

I was looking at some of my old pictures today. From back when I was in high school. I can't believe that under a year ago, you weren't here. I used to wake up in the morning, go to school, dance practice and come home everyday to an empty house until Granny came home. Now, I wake up, check to see if you are awake, give you a kiss & hug, go to school, and come back home to your smiling face. I love every minute of it. I still look back and think, 'Wow, I've lived 17 years with out Mia. Now that she's here, I couldn't be happier.'
It's kind of crazy that I think my life is so much better now that your here. Most people my age would think, 'Oh no! Now I can't hang out with my friends. Can't go clubbing. I gotta spend all my money on diapers and formula. That baby is gonna keep me up all night. I can't handle all that!'

Me, I feel as if your constant happiness and playfull-ness keeps me going. You're the reason why I slow down when I drive. The reason why I don't go to every party that comes up. The reason why I wake up and drive 60 miles to and from school Monday-Friday just so I can be there and watch you grow up. I love watching you try to crawl, eating and talking with your mouth full, acting shy in front of strangers and hiding your face in my chest because you think they can't see you if you can't see them... It makes me feel as if something I've done in my life so far finally turned out right because this decision has made me so happy. So happy."

Friends? With You?

Have you ever wanted to stay friends with an ex? Have you ever wanted to stay friends with an ex, but couldn't? Has being friends with an ex caused problems with a new relationship?

Well, I've dealt with all of this.

Out of the... 4 boyfriends I have had, I am only friends with one. We still talk occasionally, check up on each other's lives and see if everything is ok. I admire our friendship because we make each other laugh, talk about our relationship problems & good things in relationships, the past, the present & some future. It's nice...
And, no. This is not my "baby daddy". I am actually not "friends" with him anymoe. I feel as if we didn't have Mia, we would not even think about looking at each other again, let alone keep each other's Myspace, Facebook & phone numbers. There is this awkward tension between us whenever I drop off Mia or he picks her up. We barely even look at each other. I know the break up was not the greatest thing in the world & we have different views, values, beliefs & goals, but that doesn't mean we can't be friends. For Mia's sake atleast.... But I don't know how to fix it and things can't be fixed with just one person cooperating. (Plus I don't know how to talk... to him atleast) Maybe one day we'll be able to work out our differences and be friends for the Mi-ster...

Yeah... This picture is for another blog. I'm just putting it here for safe keeping...

And then, there's the horrible break up. ( That's not supposed to be me in the pic. I never hold on to what is not there) OMG. I haven't even looked at this boy in 5 years. In school, if we walked past each other, our eyes were fixed straight ahead, noses turned up & strolled past making sure not to accidently bump into each other as we pass. He wasn't the greatest thing ever & he was definitely not my cup of tea. I saw him this summer at a bowling alley. It was like high school all over again. Walk past each other with just a glimpse of them in the corner of ur eye just don't make eye contact. (It shows your soul) Would I like to fix this issue with him? Sure! Why you ask? Because I don't want people thinking I hate them when I die when deep down, it's just some misunderstanding... But I doubt this would ever happen...He seems too big headed...

Sorry. I just thought this one was funny. ^___^ If people really did this, the there would be alot of single people out there... and STDs...

Then there's the jealous new boyfriend or girlfriend who is jealous that you still talk to your ex because of insecurities that you will leave him or her for him or her again. The way I see it, if we haven't gotten back together after this freakin' long, we aren't going to...
Or maybe ur boyfriend or girlfriend are TOO close to his or her ex. Like, they're best freakin friends. That can cause some issues... Of course. But I guess that's his or her choice in the end. Who matter more? The past that didn't work out? Or the future which has its possibilities?
Then again, some people are afraid of the future, so they hold on to what they had because its familiar. (But that's another topic)

So how do you feel about break ups? Do you stay friends with your exs? Do you want to fix the friendship between an ex?

Check out my other blog!

I have another blog on Xanga.

Here, I have my fans & such on

Datingish.com

Momaroo.com

Mancouch.com

and others. I've had SOOOO many views for my blogs lately.

I've had atleast 7490+ in the past week for my posts.

here are the links to some of my posts & I'll be sure to let you guys know if I put 1 up on 1 of these sites! =D

Disapproval of a Young Mother

Do Bi-Racial Babies Get More Hype?

My baby is the sweatiest baby...

Talk Sweet to Me <-- This 1 got posted yesterday & already has 937+ views!

You can find my xanga here and I'll let you know if I have a post featured on 1 of these websites! woo-woo! Its a privledge to have ur post on 1 of the websites cuz it goes thru the editors & if they think its worthy to be publicized, then BAM! I'm so proud of myself... I have fans already!!

Dont forget to read my previous blog about my fave songs!

Songs I Admire

#1 Gravity by Sara Bareilles

This song is initally about a break up that a girl (or boy) can not get over.

It is pretty much like she is addicted to the guy and can not move on.

This is my #1 fave song (as of for the past 2 weeks. It's so beautifully written,

so emotional, so talented. Just listen. You'll see why...

#2 Did Ya by BoA

This is about a girl who broke up with a guy who was no good. I love the part

where she's like "You should have known I'm not gonna sit

around and wait for you to get your act together."You go girl! Such a

black lyric. lol. *sings*"You shoulda love me right when you had me...."

#3 What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts

Ahhh... And yet another heart broken song. A guy who misses his lady so

dearly, and expresses it through song. This song is so beautiful. *tear*

#4 For the Nights I Can't Remember by Hedley

This song is beyond cute. This is song for a relationship that is falling apart,

but he wants to hold on to it. I love it.

Now only if guys really did this in real life. (They aren't creative anymore, sadly)

#5 Speechless by The Veronicas

This song is about a guy who found a wonderful guy and his wonderful-ness

make her speechlees "when you talk to me. You leave me breathless the way you look

at me..." lol. This is a like the perfect wedding song. (If you really felt like this & loved

the person. Not just to play the song...)

#6 Me, Myself and I by Beyonce

*ahhh* Another strong black woman. I LOVED this song the first time i heard it.

"Love is so blind it feels right when its wrong. I can't believe I fell for your

schemes,I'm smarter than that. So dumb and naive to believe that with me

you're a changed man.Foolish of me to compete when you cheat with loose

women. It took me some time, but now I moved on..." It is like so me!

I get hurt, shocked punched (not literally),

but I just pick up the pieces and move on...Like you're supposed to.

#7 Nobody by Wondergirls

I love the Wondergirls! Even though they are just learning english,

these girls can sing, yo!This is about a girl who wants a guy to come

back to her cuz hey! She wants him!Its so catchy! Listen!

I will sing & dance this song to Nick Simmons one day... Then Shia...

"How can I be with another, I don't want any other. Honey, you know

its you that I wantIts you that I need. Why can't you seeeeeeeeeEEEEEEeee?!"

Love it!

"I Mistaked the Devil for Cupid"

"I mistaked the devil for cupid" is a line from my sister's poem she recently wrote and I enjoyed the poem very much. (good job) But this line caught my attention the most.

Have you ever met someone and thought he or she was like THE ONE. Thought he/she was the greatest thing since sliced bread. They were cute, kind, caring, great to talk to, everything you ever wanted in a boy or girlfriend or even friend.

Until one day, things change. This perfect angel turns into someone you don't know. Jealousy, deciet, lies, empty promises, cheating, everything bad you can think of, he or she does.These ones are always the ones that get us, and they know to go for the most vulnerable people too.

I think we've all dealt with something like this. Some more severe than others.

People turn out to me nothing like we would have expected. Or is it all in our minds?

Do we make up how we want people to be in our minds and then see who they really are once we get to know them better?

I think I do this sometimes, sadly. I imagine how things could be and then I'm just let down because I see who they really are. I'm not a religious person, but I do believe in God. Devil? Not so much.... I don't believe people are driven to do evil things by the Devil as a way for him to raise his army back up again and take over Heaven one day. I don't believe people are driven by God to do good things.

I believe every person is born with choices. The Godly choices & the Devilish choices. I believe we have a little bit of both in us. Good and Bad. Angelic and Evil. We just choose which ones we want to express. Some people just get a kick out of hurting others. Some people try so hard to be a good person, but just go un-noticed. Some don't care that they are hurting you.

I believe in karma. People who do evil and hurtful things will get what is coming to them. They will meet someone even more evil and decietful than they are. (They always say there is always someone better than you) I love when these things happen. A bad person falls in love with someone and suddenly is heart broken because he or she cheated, lied or doesn't love them back.

Sorry for being cold hearted, but I love seeing this happen.

So before you think of being a cheater, liar, or do something wrong (and you know its wrong) just remember, what goes around comes around. There is always someone more hurtful out there than you...

Are You His Trophy?

Have you ever thought of what it would be like to be a trophy wife? Or trophy girlfriend? Or trophy whatever-you-are-to-him?

Sitting at home, buying whatever you want, playing tennis at the country club, having tea parties and business dinners for your husband. Hum... sounds nice....

Oh... Sorry. That's for the rich people who can actually get a country club membership...

Sitting at a party not allowed to say a word to anyone. You just have to sit there and look pretty. Him walking around the mall with you lookin' at other people like, "Yeah. This is mine. You can't have this."

Yeah... That one doesn't sound too flattering.

But that's how I feel about... hum... 98% of the time...

I don't know. I just feel as if there are too many guys out there just looking for a pretty face to show off to their boys or show off whenever they go out. Either that, or there are too many guys out there trying to pretend they wanna be up in your face, but actually wanna have about 4 other faces also. (One of the two. Pick your choice) But that is another blog topic...

Sure, guys want something nice to look at because I know I don't want no Lil Wayne lookin' at me when I wake up. Ugh! Unless you like that kinda junk, then you go right ahead. Jesus...

"Pretty face, thick in the waist." "Long hair, don't care", "Lookin' like Halle Berry, Lauren London, Toya & Nia Long!" Sure, no one is that perfect (well, they aren't perfect either) but some like the attention. To hear their boys say, "Whoa! You gotcha self a nice one. You hittin' that?" He says, "Oh yeah! You know it!" (Whatever guys talk about.) Boost of self confidence & he's good for the rest of the day!

Now what does this do to the girl? Well, unless you like being shown off like a nicely cooked steak, then you have no problem with it.

Me, on the other hand, see myself as if I more than an object that can be used & paraded around. (And I hope other girls feel the same way too.) Of course I don't look anywhere near Toya, Tiny or Beyonce, I'm not "thick" in any way (and would NEVER want to be over a size 5) or have "long hair, don't care". So why do I keep attracting such negative male specimens? You tell me. I'm baffled.

But all I can say about the trophy wives, girl friends, friends, hoes, whatevers, you are worth so much more and can find someone who can actually care about you. Sure, he isn't gonna pop outta mid-air like Prince Aladdin, but he's out there... I hope...If not, Oops! Sorry. I lied =D

(lol) But still. Think the next time you start talking to a guy or get in to a relationship; think if he actually likes you for you, flaws & all or just for how hot you look in those jeans & how nicely your boobs over flow in that tank top. =/

You can do way better...

How do you feel about trophy girls? Have you ever been a trophy girl to anyone?

Boobies Galore!

We all have them. Some more or less than others... But still. We all got em. But gosh... Are mine small. I feel like I'm not porptional... When I got pregnant, I went from a precious 32A to a nice looking 32B. Then when I started breastfeeding, I had a very nice 32B/32C. Yes you guys, a C. That was only when my boobs were VERY full (which hurts like a dull ache). Shocking? Slightly. Attention grabbing? I'd think so.

They were SO nice. Perky, pretty and for the first time in my life, I had cleavage without squeezing my arms together! (Like how I used to do) It was beautiful. Some days, they looked like implants. Literally. I have a picture where it looks like I just got implants in because they have that implant-round-fake look. You know what I'm saying?? Let me find a pic...

Like this!! Exactly like this! lol. Posh Spice... You see the fake round-looking-ness?! I'd show you the pic, but I don't want my boobs all out there on the internet... Just ask & I'll decide to show you personally. =]

Now that I have stopped breastfeeding (Mia weened herself...), I'm back to square 1. All those size B bras engulf my little pectorials. =[ They seem sad. I need to do some push-ups to bring them back up again. It's kind of sad how before I took such good care of my body and now I look like this. I used to look like this **see below** Not exactly like this, but you get the idea. No alcohol or white looking, but small, non-existant boobs, flat abs, but I had thighs... Still do...

It's kind of sad that I do get slightly jealous that:

1) My bikini top looks like flat triangles on my chest & other girls actually have peaches, grapefruits and cantalopes under the tops.

2) I don't have cleavage. Just sternum....just sternum... I'd have to duct tape them just to even get a hint of cleavage

3) I could never use my boobs to get my way. =[

4) All my size B bras taunt me T_____T

Anyway! Boobies are nice. They are decoration, a food supply and just yell "I'm a girl!" No matter what your size is or if you didn't get to say "good bye" to yours like how I did (*tear*), you are beautiful regardless. =}

So shake what you have! (Or don't have)

What would we do without them?! Would guys still find us attractive it we had no boobs like them? Do you think you'd look better with bigger/smaller boobs?

Love Has No Past Tense

I never thought about this until I saw it.

Think about it.

Have you ever said "Yeah, I loved her, but not anymore"
or "He used to love me back in the day."

Well, if you truely loved a person, wouldn't you still be with that person now??

That's why I say I have never been in love before & this icon helps me explain myself. I always hear "You never loved your baby daddy?!" Well, if I did, I wouldn't be single right now, would I?? *says rapidly: "inyoface"*

I was in love with the thought of being a big happy family, but then there was no "happy" part.

Next time you want to say "I love you" to a boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, fiance, husband, friend, think of how you truely feel about that person. The "L" word is thrown around so much these days that it's meaning is really losing its intensity. Kind of hard to believe it when someone says it sometimes.

"Like" is better. Use that until you truely know how you feel about that person. I'd say wait.... about 6 months to a year before throwin' the "L"-bomb, 'cuz hey! You wanna see their true color, don't you?

**Read my blogs from yesterday about My #1 fan and Sugar Daddys. And I don't mean the candy!**

Coming soon! My FAVE Youtube videos. Some are so funny, you'll wanna share it with the world.

Can You Be My Daddy?

And I'm not talking about the candy...

Here are some of the definitions of a "sugar daddy" found on urbandictionary.com if you don't know what this is...

Sugar Daddy:
1) Like a genie - he may be a little old, but if a girl rubs his lamp, he'll grant her wishes.
(She uses her sugar daddy for his money, but he sure gets some service in return!)

2) A man who provides money or other favors in exchange for sexual relations
("All that bitch wants is a sugar daddy.")

3)An older man who is able to gain a younger woman by having lots of cash and assets. The younger woman is known as a 'gold digger'. A sugar daddy is generally being used by the 'gold-digger' for his house, cars and money.
(Female: "Shit...I did too many drugs throughout skool, how am I supposed to earn income?...I know! I'll get myself a sugar daddy.")

Those were funny. But still... It's kinda gross if you think about it. Some of these guys are like 40+, maybe even 60+ looking for a hot piece of eye candy to get some boom-boom from and she gets a Mercedes, some Prada shoes, & get to ride his Rolls Royce or Maybach down Rodeo Drive for the week. Hey! She might even get a shopping spree in Paris is he's THAT rich.

To me, this is not appealing. No matter how much I love shopping and designer everything, I could never stoop down this low to go out to get a sugar daddy. My goods are too good for some nasty old perv to be having fantasies about. Ugh. On top of that, some girls have more than 1 sugar daddy! Say what?!

How does a girl keep up with them all?! They're like little pets!

And the new VH1 show "Megan Wants a Millionaire" doesn't make the whole sugar daddy idea so dim either. A bunch of men with money showering a not so attractive (to me atleast) girl with expensive gifts & telling her how beautiful she is. Sounds nice for the moment until:

1) You see how ugly he really is.

2) You get tired of the gifts. After a while, you'll have everything.

3) He might run outta money. We're in a recession you know.

Regardless if you like the idea of a sugar daddy or not, people will still continue to do it. Some girls like the attention and gifts, while others (like mysefl) are more in to the sentimental things in life. You know. Like a macaroni necklace/project with our initals in it. Or Flowers. Or writing a song for me. Or just coming up with something creatively thoughtful. That's way better than some Versace glasses and a Chanel bag with a Chihuahua in it.

How do you feel about sugar daddys? Would you get one (or have one)? Which gifts are better: a thoughtful & creative once in a while or designer gifts and anything you want?

This is for my Number 1

So, I wanted to write a little blog for my amigos who stay up to date with the infamous blog or Raven!

And for those of you who are just now starting to read my blogs... well, you're just not cool enough to be apart of the Raven Fan Club... yet...

Ahhh... First of all, I'd like to say thank you for reading my blogs and letting me know how you feel about them. I try to keep them light hearted, funny, emotional, and up lifting as possible. You know. A little something for everyone. For the emos, the goths, the preps, the pessimists, the gangstas, the thugs, the optimists, the mothers, the students, the teens, the heart broken, the loved, and most of all, for YOU!!

I started writing my blog because:

1) I was bored as balls.

2) I actually like writing how I feel.

I don't like writing reports though. I just like being able to express myself without speaking. I'm not a great speaker. Writing gives me a chance to vent and let all my emotions out that I can not say out loud, can't find the words for and I won't hurt people's feelings directly. So I do it indirectly. =D (And about 75% won't know I'm talking about them) >=]

Sure, I'd keep writing regardless if I had followers and such, but just knowing that people like my blogs so much makes me feel like I'm doing pretty good. Move over Perez! Raven gon' take yo spot home dawg!

But I would like to shed some spotlight on my #1 fan:

Thanh Nguyen

Isn't she smokin'?! Hot Mama! (Minus the mama part) Anyway. I have known Thanh for about... 5 years now?! Gosh. Ever since freshman year of high school we have been really good friends. Such good friends that she is the God mother of my Mia. So if anything happens to me, my mother or Tyler, Thanh, you better make sure little stinker doesn't grow up to be a hooker!

But Thanh told me that she has bookmarked my page and reads every blog that I put up. What a loyal fan. *tear* Makes me proud that I'm such a good blogger. The sad thing is that my Thanh has moved to South Carolina and we only get to see her every once in a while. Maybe we will come visit you some time soon and I will hug your head like this man is hugging the cabbage.

we miss you dearly. And I miss my cabbage. =[

Anyway. I know there are other fans out there sayin' "I read ur blogs too!!" But hey! You never let me know. So let me know how you feel about my blogs & you will soon be in my fan blog #2! whoop-whoop!!

"It's just a little crush"

*ahhhh* Who doesn't love a good crush.

But what we all love the most!

Having a crush & them never knowing.

That's always wonderful.

(And I like how Alicia Keys just up & tells the guy she stalks him)

I remember back in the day when we had our little crushes in high school & middle school.

Those were the days. Making up code names for the guy.

Water. Jelly. M. Pants. Potato. Corn. Tiger.

Tree.. Egg Roll. Jungle Boy. Orange. Hungry.

Well, I didn't like "Water" . We also made up code names

for people we didn't like either.

Stalking the mess outta them til we knew their every

class, every friend, and every outfit they had in their closet.

I remember one of my friends & I looked up the guy's last name in the phonebook & called almost every name

in the phonebook til we got tired. (That was back when we didn't have cell phones & such)

*Sigh* All of that for a guy's attention. Now what do we do?

Flirt like a muther. And my favorite, Facebook stalk. Mmmm... Who doesn't love a good creeper who will show their

admiration through Facebook stalking? I know I do! (lol) It's kinda creepy because you don't know who is all up

in your bizz, but its also good because the guy or girl you like won't know that you know what they did last night,

what they ate for breakfast, who was tagged in all their picture or how much they hate their job and their mother is

annoying. Gay, Straight, Lesbian, Bi, you know you've stalked someone before... even just a little.

But there is 1 thing a creeper/stalker should never do.

DON'T GET CAUGHT.

So do you remember those young naive days of crushes & puppy love?

How did you stalk your "Secret Lovers" and crushes? Did they ever catch you?