2009.

Within the past 365 days, I believe I have grown up more than I ever would have expected to. Reflect with me, please...

January 2009: I'm 8 months pregnant, withdrawn from school and big as a muther. I caught the flu January and took medicine for the first time my during my whole pregnancy because I wanted my baby to be completely toxin/chemical free. Then, Mia decided to come out of nowhere at 5:05am on January 21st. I didn't even have time to get an epidural, pain medication or anything because I was already 9cm when I got into the hospital. Weighing 6 pounds 7 ounces, she was possibly the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, and looking just like her father's clone. I just never thought a little baby would put me through so much pain, yet teach me SO much. After 6 LONG days in the hospital, we are finally sent home to be a precious family.

February 2009: Tyler, Mia and I live together in my house. Things are good. Our relationship was better now than it was during the whole pregnancy. I guess it's because we were more like a family. Tyler got a job and everything is looking up.

March 2009: Rishona has a little girl also. Only 6 weeks younger than Mia.

May 2009: Nwenna and Joe get married and she's having a baby. What a growing family...

June 2009: Tyler and I broke up. As much as I didn't want to break up out happy little family or take Mia's father away from her, I just feel like we both wanted different things at that moment. I wanted a strong, supportive father and a loving daughter, while I'm not sure what he wanted. It was extremely difficult, and I'll admit it. I sometimes STILL think (6 months later) if I made the right decision or not. I guess that's life. You win some, you loose some. Things are not pretty at all between us...

July 2009: I finally saw my sister, Callie, for the first time in three years. It was wonderful, especially since the whole family didn't know she was coming at all. Sadly, one of my best friends and Mia's god mother, Thanh moves to South Carolina... I began shopping and charging things to my credit card like crazy as a way to help me cope with the break up. Not a good choice, but it's not like I had anyone to just talk to. The card was my therapy and my killer.

August 2009: I start my school career again after a 7 month break. I was difficult. Being away from home from 8am until sometimes 5, 6 or 7 o'clock. Going home to do homework for hours and hours on end. I seriously don't know how I survived or didn't attempt to self-mutilate myself. I was completely broke, completely lacking confidence and a mother. These things don't match at all. With very little help, I picked myself up and kept moving forward.

September 2009: My credit card bills have been choking me and my wallet. There were times that I wouldn't buy lunch because I had to choose between gas, diapers and wipes or food. I began to loose weight and had utter exhaustion, with the combination of stress from school and lack of eating, along with much hair loss. I seriously did not think I could make it through the school year. Contemplated picking up bad habits to relieve the pain? Yes. Did I act on it? No, because I would be deeply hurt if I was the cause of Mia's suffering.

October 2009: I turned 19 years old and Callie decides to move back to Georgia with the family. It's better this way because she missed ALOT within those 3 years she was in New Jersey/New York. Graduations, birthdays, babies, laughs, tears, love...

And now...

December 2009: My baby is almost a year and has grown up from a squirming little bean into a crawling, soon to be walking machine with her own personality and attitude. She makes me laugh all the time even though she doesn't even know what she's doing. Tyler and I are still not together, but our relationship as mother and father, rather than "my baby mama & my baby daddy". are mending slowly. My finances are so much better now and I don't see as much hair in the sink. I still haven't found a "Prince Charming" to sweep me off my feet, but hey! I'm still young and in no need to rush. Maybe if he'll stop looking at the sluts and see me behind them, he'll come faster. Nwenna has her little baby and survives her crazy labor.

And it's officially 21 minutes into the year 2010. I've been through extraordinary experiences in the past 365 days that have slapped me in the face with multiple wake up calls. From sleep deprivation to collection calls to depression to happiness. I have been through it all. Sure, it hurt me, but Buddha says life is suffering and overcoming it. So, bring on any more challenges. I think I can handle almost anything at this point...

Dear Mia...

So, it's been almost a year since that wonderful and painful day you came into this world. We have been through a bunch of ups and downs, I want to start by apologizing now for some of the things that maybe could have been avoided before I start thanking and reminiscing on the good. As they say, "We all learn to make mistakes and run from them", but I'm not running. I'm facing them.

First off, I'm sorry for me and Daddy breaking up. We were headed in different paths and as much as I wanted (and still want) us to be little happy family, I just can't right now. It's too much for me to handle and I know I'll explain it to you on day, but for now, I'll just leave it at that. It's been 6 months of just me and you. I think you have developed into a fine, mean young lady despite all the statistics of single parent households... Maybe one day we will be a family again. Maybe...

I'm sorry for not having any professional pictures of you, or us ,or you, me and Daddy done. I will one day. I promise. It's just been a VERY rough year for me and whenever I saved up enough for you to get pictures done, some other financial burden came up. Car problems, school books, gas, bills left and right. But I promise. I'll get some done eventually.

I'm sorry for being so stressed out all the time and only wanting to sleep or just be alone. School kicked me in the face this year. Money has sprayed me in the eyes with pepper spray. There were times when I did not think I made the right decision by not putting you up for adoption because I felt horrible that I did not have the time or energy to even feed you, play with you, or even put you to sleep. I'd sit and do hours and hours of homework having 8+ hours of school and work, and by the time I'd finish, you would be sleeping. There were days when I wouldn't see you at all because I went to school at 8am, then drove an hour after school to another job and made it home at 11pm when you were sleeping. But I'm learning to manage my time a little better now and maybe try not to work so much... Not yet though. Mommy still is in a hole...

I'm sorry for not being around as often as I would like to. I never thought I'd never be able to see you and we life in the same house. Leaving the house with you sleeping and coming back home with you sleeping again is depressing. I know one day, it won't be like this.

I'm sorry for being a jealous mommy. Jealous of the other young mommy's who have the lifestyle I wished I could have raised you in. Two parent household, semi-stable family, stable enough finances, and not have to choose whether to buy you a new hat and jacket for the winter, or gas and tires for my car.

I'm sorry for Granny and I fighting in front of you so much. As much as I love Granny, she just doesn't understand that you are my child and believe that my parenting skills are adequate enough. Yes, she is one of the reasons why I can't be around you as often as I would like because she doesn't think I feed you correctly, change you diaper right, dress you appropriately or even breathe correctly. Maybe one day she will back off. No.... No she won't. Not until I can afford to get us our own place, which isn't any time soon. Until then, I guess you'll have two mommy's.

I'm sorry for not being strong enough to tell Granny to back off. I've tried but it just end up in shatters and I'm ignored.

I'm sorry things didn't turn out as happily as I thought they would.

But on the bright side, we have each other and we're still healthy and alive.

My 2010 Goals

So, 2010 is just around the corner and I believe I need to set some goals in my life to keep me inspired and on track. So, here we go!:

#1) Be happy despite the many down falls, many events of bad luck (which seems to follow me like a stalker), and financial burdens. I'm still alive, right? Why not be happy about that?

#2) Save up $2000. Why you ask?
-To buy myself a Mac since my laptop is deteriorating slowly after only 1 year =[
-Have something to fall back on to... for once...

This is probably highly unlikely because every time I save a little over $100, some kind of financial crap comes up. New tires, car jacks up & I need another new car battery (Ive already gotten 2 and my car is barely 3 years old), another bill to pay, medical expenses, etc...

#3) Be healthy. In shape. And possibly loose the extra 5 pounds I gained this year from the stress from school and work and the extra carbohydrate intake I've had in order to give my body a boost of energy for the lack of sleep I obtained. -__-

#4) Sleep more. End of story.

#5) Buy a new camera before Mia's first birthday. I know I said I wanted to get one before Mia's first Christmas, BUT I found out I need to buy new car tires AND my pockets seem pretty light. So this Christmas won't be so cheerful and I don't want to remember it. Or for her to realize that she only got 3 gifts for her first Christmas... Next year will hopefully be better.

#6) Be financially stable. Do I need to say more?

#7) Pay off my HUGE credit card debt. I don't even know how much I owe anymore. I just pay what I can every time I get money now. @___@

#8) Be a good mom despite the fact that I'm rarely at home.

#9) Be a good student and get more scholarships. I don't need more debt in my life...

#10) Take Mia and myself on a well deserved vacation somewhere far, far away from here. Dominican Republic? Thailand? Croatia? Greece?

#11) Find a way to help others. I was thinking of becoming a mentor for young girls who need someone in their lives to inspire them or volunteer in Laos to teach children how to read and speak English. I'm already learning the alphabet & doing quite well. Let's see how this goes...

#12) Learn and teach Mia how to read and speak Laotian. Seems pretty simple now from the beginners junk I've learned...

Why Is Life So Hard?

A question we all ask ourselves... well, maybe not all, but most of us ask at some point in our lives.

Me, being the non-religious person I am, I do not believe life is hard because of the whole Adam and Eve being banned from the garden of Eden caused our lives to be difficult.

But I do believe everyone has some sort of problems in their lives, no matter how rich, poor, or middle class you are.

If you ask me, I think I have a HUGE black cloud that follows me EVERYWHERE!! Really. And it isn't even me that causes the problems. It's external dilemmas that ALWAYS seem to pop up everyday and put me in a horrid mood. I can't remember one day that I have been happy the whole day through.
Here are some examples:

My Car- Everyone knows I like to keep my car nice, neat, clean and free of any altercations. Well, now it has an altercation. An issue came up where now there is a quite large dent in my hood and the alarm won't work on it as well as it should. This happened in, I believe, June. Cost to fix it? $550. How much have I saved up to fix this? $0.00. Nice, eh? I would have saved more, but I have a kid to take care of and $150 biweekly just doesn't cut about anything.

My Credit Cards- Are currently maxed out. This is what happens when you try to live a normal lifestyle with an unsteady income. Current balance? About $1500. I really don't pay attention anymore as long as I pay a little every 2 weeks when I get paid.

My Camera- Has been in my life for about 3 years now. I remember when I first bought it. It was about June 2007 and it cost $250. I loved it dearly and people who know me well know that I do not travel anywhere with out my camera. My camera was my 3rd baby. I love it more than my phone. I love pictures. I think pictures are more than just pieces of paper. They are memories. It tears my heart to pieces to throw away photo albums (which I was forced to do for undisclosed reasons) I guess its because my mom's pictures were all lost or destroyed, so I have no clue what she looked like before her senior year picture. But now, it is broken. No more pictures of Mia's development which REALLY hurts alot because I am working on a book (and scrapbook) about her and I need pictures. Dearly. Unless I can some how use my paycheck from this 2nd job and squeeze by with my library check for a few weeks, I guess I'll just be depressed/angered for a while. =[

School- Is kicking my behind this semester. I am not sure what it is but I can NOT get enough sleep at night. I will get 8-9hours of sleep a night, wake up, and be completely exhausted STILL. I can't remember anything I do in class by the time I get home. I'll study chemistry or math for 6 hours and forget everything I just did. I don't know what is wrong with me, but if this keeps up, I am just going to have to stop doing the Pre-Med thing and just do something less demanding. Maybe something that will require less energy. I swear, I think I drive to school half asleep some days because I'll be at one area and pop back into consciousness 5 minutes later. I need to see a doctor...

Money & Males- Yeah. Don't have it. Never had it. I always seem to take care of EVERYONE except myself. I don't even think I've even had a boyfriend that actually bought ME dinner or bought ME a nice gift for my birthday or Christmas or anything. (I've always been the man in the relationship. Whipping out my card to pay for the movie, dinner, etc...) I literally attract Mama's boys and beggars. It's always ME spending my hard earned money on others who do not deserve it. Which I have learned to completely stop. And I also think it's a reason why I would rather be alone than in a relationship... but who knows. I'd take being alone for the rest of my life than to have some punk @&* boy all up under me. I already have 1 kid. Don't need two...

But they always say that life doesn't come easily and each struggle you come out stronger.
So after all this mess, I'm probably gonna be the freakin' Hulk, man...

Before I go to sleep...

I would like to talk about my life at the current moment.

The school year is almost over and the only thing I worry about is passing Calculus and Chemistry. I think I might have to take Calc. over again because I can NOT understand my teacher's lessons and I want a better grade than what I am getting. Idk. Math and me used to be friends until college came along. I had never taken any calculus courses in high school because, frankly, my counselors and what not did not believe I was good enough for such "high leveled courses". But, of course, they give the courses to the popular students and the students who procrastinate, copy homework all day and just squeeze by from sucking up to the teachers.
I know not all people did that, but trust me. Some did...

And now I am going to start working at Outback! Woo-hoo. Two jobs. Full week of school. Three hour lab once a week and 2 hour volunteer TPSL hours a week. Gosh. I have no clue how I am going to get all of this done, but it will some how... I hope...

Plus I NEED, not want, but DESPERATELY NEED money at this moment. The call to become a drug dealer has never been so strong... but I know I could never do such a thing, even though it is quick, and illegal money. =/

It's just me taking care of Mia. My mother helps as much as she can, but my daughter is MY responsibility and I need to be able to support her in all ways that I can. That is why I am taking on this second job so I can buy her clothes, formula, take her out to eat frozen yogurt or even buy myself a shirt or shoes for once since I haven't stepped foot into a store to buy myself clothes in SO long. Besides. Who has time to shop when your homework is like another full time job right there. On average, I do homework about... 5 hours a night with a few breaks in between. Its like I have 4 jobs right now. Homework, School, Mia, Work Study, Outback.
Oh, sorry. I can't count. 5 jobs.

Now, you may be asking, "Where is Mia's father? Why isn't he helping?"

Well, frankly, I don't know what to tell you. We broke up 5 months and 6 days ago. I decided not to bug him with any stress like "when u gonna get Mia? She need this, she needs that, I'm going out, can you watch her?" until he got his life together and decided to step up and be a father to his daughter. (Since he wanted to be the young child with no responsibilities still.) I have put my social life and financial situation on the back burner for this decision. (I've had to skip paying credit card bills to support Mia & myself actually which hasn't made anything easier...)

I just didn't think it would take 5 months, 6 days and counting to realize that you have a daughter that would like to have her father around. Or realization of, "Hey! I have a kid... She kinda needs things like food, water, clothes, attention, love, diapers, wipes, shoes, hair and bath things, a bed, medicine..." But I guess those things haven't clicked yet...

Does it make me angry? Who wouldn't be? Does it cause more stress? Hell yes, it does. Am I going to change this? Well, I can't unless everyone wants to change. Sure, times are hard.... Rough... VERY difficult right now, but I have survived so far, and we will survive later on in life.
Yes, I'd like to keep my hair and I needed to loose weight anyway, but in the end, things will work out for the better, and I really do believe Mia will appreciate ALL I have done for her as a young mother when she gets older.

She'll look back and say, "My mom had me at 18 with no set plan for the future, no job and just a dream to become a doctor. She was a single mother in an elite college and 2 jobs. She taught herself how to speak and write in Lao so she could teach me also. Despite the homework and stress, she still managed to be there for me when I needed her, when I was sleepy, when I fell down, or even when I wanted her to watch Yo Gabba Gabba and sing the whole theme song of Ni Hao, Kai-Lan to me with a hug. She was always there."

All I really want to do is make my daughter proud of me despite my many flaws and struggles we have in our life right now.

Another Year Has Passed...

My 19th birthday is tomorrow and Mia will be 9 months tomorrow.
Yay for 01/21/09 and 10/21/90.
I still think it is so amazing how our birthdays are the same thing backwards. I always knew I made the right decision by not aborting my little stink because something told me that this would change my life in some way... And it has.

One year ago, I was 6 months pregnant. Looking like a bubble and did not expect such a little thing human could change my life so drastically.
From my daughter:

I have learned to not be selfish.

I have learned to appreciate each day that I have.

I am more careful with my life. I don't speed anymore.

I have learned that I don't have to go out and party every weekend to have fun; staying at home and singing the theme song to Backyardigans, Ni Hao Kai Lan and Wonder Pets & clapping along is just as fun for me.

I have learned that "finding Prince Charming" is now unimportant and I could care less; I have my little princess here and she will forever be 1000 times better than any wanna-be Prince.

I love that she can eat and share food with me now. She loves rice, veges and Italian food!

I can't wait until she is a little older so we can go out to eat together; I'll always have a lunch/shopping buddy now when my friends are unavailable.

I still find myself sitting next to her crib and watching her sleep & still think it is amazing that I have made such a beautiful thing. And in only 3 more months, she will be a year old. I can't believe how fast time has passed. I went from watching her sleep 16 hours a day to sitting up to crawling and waving good bye to me & saying "Mama" and "Baba".

In one year, my life has been completely turned around. Even though it gets pretty tough with school, family and a social life, but with my little Stink-stink by my side, I know I can get through this...

This is for You.

Yeah, so there is this boy named Keenan.
He's black.
Tall.

And goes to school in Ohio.

He waits last minute to do his homework, and still seems to do fine.

Babies his super cool fuel-flex Impala.

Chillax-es with the homies on a regular basis.

And parties like a rock star on the weekend.

What a wonderful life he has, right?

I on the other hand...

I'm short.

My "black card" was taken away a long time ago.

I do my homework all day and all weekend, and still do not excel in class.

I have a baby that keeps me from concentrating on homework.

I don't have "homies" at school nor do I mingle there either. Just acquaintances. I'm a major loner. (Class, Work, Home)

My car is a car and nothing more.

I only get to see & hang out with my friends once a month if that.

I don't party like a rock star on the weekends. I actually have never been to a party before in my life. Was never invited in high school. Don't know about the ones at school because, frankly, I don't talk to people at school really... so yeah. Not a partier.

What opposites. I guess the personalities and events that happen in high school follow you into college & so on.

He's still Mr. Popular.
I'm still that girl over there.