Dear Mia,

You're almost three years old! I can't believe I'm about to have a kid who's going to be in kindergarten soon, and I'll be a college graduate in a year. It's cray. (I'll explain that slang to you later)

Well, your speech has very much improved. You went from not being able to string together more than 2 words at a time to forming pretty good sentences. Sure, other people may not understand you, but they don't matter. You are trying and that's all you should care about even though I can tell you get frustrated or confused when we can't make out what you're saying. You got that quality from me: defeat makes you feel like crap. You would rather not say anything than to say something incorrect. Yup. You definitely got that from me.

You love to sing. Annie is your favorite movie and you would watch and sing those songs all day, every day. You also like singing along to Amy Winehouse, Adele, and Shakira... Even though you can not speak Spanish to save you face... I'll teach you one day.

Your coloring has improved. You color inside the lines quite well! That's why I got you an easel to express yourself on paper/chalkboard for "Christmas".... a holiday you have no concept of even though people assume you are so excited for it. Sorry Mia, I don't feed into the commercialization of holidays so you won't be one of those kids with 9878 gifts waiting for them.

Let's talk about the future... We are going to move out of the South. We aren't meant to be here, especially with my liberal, democratic, big-city-lovin' self. Maybe San Francisco, NYC, Los Angeles, Washington DC, Chicago, London, Singapore? I'm not sure yet, but we have a little time to get our act together. I want you to go to a private school preferably. Learn a couple languages possibly: Mandarin, French, Spanish, Hindi. You're choice. Play an instrument of your liking. Do ballet or some form of dance. Eat all types of food. Travel the world. Pretty much, I want you to have everything I've dreamed of doing and having.

Yes, it sounds like A LOT to accomplish on both of our plates. It is a lot to accomplish, but your mommy is a big dreamer. All she does is dream of events that can occur in the future because the present is so drab sometimes. Might as well think of the great things that can happen, right?

I'm not sure how we are going to get all of this done, honestly. I have very little resources right now... But hey! If you have nothing, what is below that? Exactly. We can only go up from here. Even if it means I have to leave you with Granny, or Thanh or Adiam or Henry even  while I go work my face off until it bleeds in some big city as a poor executive assistant until I get on my feet just to get you the lifestyle you deserve. I'll do it.

I can't promise a perfect life for you with a big house, tons of food, money, a mommy & daddy, and a cat or two, but I will surely try my best.

Love, Mommy

Dear Mia,

You're finally two years old.

It seems like yesterday you were a little, pink blob with black fur that just laid there, slept and laughed occasionally. Now you're a tall, skinny, extra long furry little girl who talks to me, makes me laugh, has inside jokes with me and actually human! It still amazes me that you have half of my DNA coding your life. I know it's nerdy but that's what I think when I see you. My half of my genetic is keeping you alive and growing.

I like how you have my sense of humor. The world is funny to you and I'm glad you see it that way already. Sure, you seem to have a very bad & stubborn temper, but what two year old doesn't? Some people may think its crazy or strange that you don't hold my hand when we walk unless you feel the need to. To me, I trust you enough to not run off and fly down some stairs. You always make sure I'm close behind, and if I'm not, you pull me along side.

You're growing up too fast for me to handle, Mia. You didn't even cry for the first time at the doctor since you were 7 months old! You also got your finger pricked and just sat there. I see you have your Mommy's high pain tolerance. =]

Instead of me tucking you into bed, you give me a good night kiss and say "love you". You grab my hands and lead be to dance. You feed me and wipe my face clean. You sing your little heart out all the time. (I guess you get that from my car singing when you were in my belly) It's nice see you grow up but then again, it scares me. In 2 years, you'll be in Pre-K/kindergarten, I'll be graduated from Emory and who knows were we'll be headed or what life will throw at us.

There's so much I want to teach you. So much and so little time before you think I'm an annoying mama who just wants to be cool and you won't listen to me again until you're 25. Until then, I'll try to teach you everything I know little by little, day by day. Eventually, you'll understand.

Love, Mommy

Day 15: The person you miss the most

Now that I have time again...

Dear Mia,

You left be again and went to Pennsylvania for 10 days. I should have been used to you being gone here and there since you were in California for a month this summer, but I don't think it ever gets easy. It was easier during the summer to not realize you weren't here. I kept myself busy EVERYDAY. Painting, going out to eat, mall, work, party, visited Thanh in South Carolina, etc. I didn't like being home really alone and I still don't. Since I was in school, I was kind of forced to stay home and endure the emptiness...

I guess its hard because during these years, I can miss out on so many little things you do that are HUGE to me, and seem stupid to others. Like you learning to wipe your own nose is gross and dumb to some people. To me, it shows me that you are growing up day by day.

I missed having you meet me every time I walk in through the door. I missed your kisses where you choke me a little and pull my face to yours. I missed our inside jokes.

I think the worse part of you being gone isn't that I'm not there to take care of you. I know Granny is taking good care of you even though you run her wild.

It's me sitting in silence. Me eating dinner alone. Me watching TV and doing homework without you saying "Mom! Mama! Hey! Help! Here! Baw! Bow!! Help! Diddle-diddle-liddle-dee!! Diddle-liddle-diddle-daaaa!" It gets lonely and Nacho can only do so much. I've spent the past nearly 3 years of my life so far talking to you, and always having you near me. From an embryo to a fetus to the little 21 month old you are now. And when you go away, I have nothing.

So I sat and imagined seeing you playing around in the living room, dancing to Yo Gabba Gabba, saying Chinese words you learned from Ni Hao Kai Lan, and fake laughing when I try to be funny. And when I saw you again (even though I was half awake) seeing you smile big made me so happy. I think the biggest fear I have whenever you leave is that you won't remember me, and when you show me you haven't makes me feel like I'm doing something right in this crazy, hectic world.

Koi hak jao, Mia.

With much love,

Mommy

Dear Mia,

I don't think "miss" is a strong enough word to express how I feel right now. Long for? Crave? Yearn?

I haven't seen your pretty, bouncing face in exactly 20 days. Only 4 more until I get to hug you, and kiss you, and take you out places, and be force-fed by you then hear "Mmmm!" as if it were so delicious. There hasn't been one day that has gone by where I haven't sat on the couch and imagined seeing you run & dance around the living room like you always do.

As much as I wanted to come with you, I just couldn't. And as much as I wanted you to stay with me, I couldn't either. There was no one here to watch you while I was at school and work, so I had to let you go. Now you're 2,503 miles and 2 time zones away from me.

Sometimes I wonder if you think about me. I know you're only 17months old and probably think I'm at work.... for a very long time. I also wonder if you will remember me... And that's what hurts the most about you being gone.

But, I will be strong; even though I have kept myself busy every single day since you have been gone to distract me from the fact that you aren't here, coming home to an empty house and not being greeted by a happy dance & a hug is still foreign and saddening to me.

Four more days, Mia, four more days...

Love, Mommy.

Dear Mia,

I've officially a single mother to you for a year now.

As much as I wanted you to grow up as a complete family of your father and I, deep down, I knew I couldn't have stayed. We couldn't stay together. I thought long and hard about this decision and came to the conclusion of:

Will Mia want to see us fight all the time and me unhappy?

Would Mia want her mother to be happy?

Obviously, I put our happiness above anything. I don't care about the statistics, stereotypes, etc... And yes, it is annoying to always walk around alone or sitting in a doctor's office with people staring at us. It really doesn't matter because, honestly, I am a happier person now than I was a year ago; you have contributed to this happiness.

Everything you do brings me happiness! From you throwing a ball at me while I'm sleeping to picking your nose to pulling me off the couch just to dance with you. It's all so wonderful.

Sure, you may be one of those wedlock babies, you haven't see your dad in I can't remember how long, you apparently have a stepmother now, I have to juggle school & a job while learning Lao to teach you, and you can get a little out of hand in public . But all that doesn't matter.

You have me. I have you. We are our own happy family. No one else is invited into this Mia-Mommy Club.

P.S. It's ok... You'll learn how to use the one day...

Dear Mia...

So, it's been almost a year since that wonderful and painful day you came into this world. We have been through a bunch of ups and downs, I want to start by apologizing now for some of the things that maybe could have been avoided before I start thanking and reminiscing on the good. As they say, "We all learn to make mistakes and run from them", but I'm not running. I'm facing them.

First off, I'm sorry for me and Daddy breaking up. We were headed in different paths and as much as I wanted (and still want) us to be little happy family, I just can't right now. It's too much for me to handle and I know I'll explain it to you on day, but for now, I'll just leave it at that. It's been 6 months of just me and you. I think you have developed into a fine, mean young lady despite all the statistics of single parent households... Maybe one day we will be a family again. Maybe...

I'm sorry for not having any professional pictures of you, or us ,or you, me and Daddy done. I will one day. I promise. It's just been a VERY rough year for me and whenever I saved up enough for you to get pictures done, some other financial burden came up. Car problems, school books, gas, bills left and right. But I promise. I'll get some done eventually.

I'm sorry for being so stressed out all the time and only wanting to sleep or just be alone. School kicked me in the face this year. Money has sprayed me in the eyes with pepper spray. There were times when I did not think I made the right decision by not putting you up for adoption because I felt horrible that I did not have the time or energy to even feed you, play with you, or even put you to sleep. I'd sit and do hours and hours of homework having 8+ hours of school and work, and by the time I'd finish, you would be sleeping. There were days when I wouldn't see you at all because I went to school at 8am, then drove an hour after school to another job and made it home at 11pm when you were sleeping. But I'm learning to manage my time a little better now and maybe try not to work so much... Not yet though. Mommy still is in a hole...

I'm sorry for not being around as often as I would like to. I never thought I'd never be able to see you and we life in the same house. Leaving the house with you sleeping and coming back home with you sleeping again is depressing. I know one day, it won't be like this.

I'm sorry for being a jealous mommy. Jealous of the other young mommy's who have the lifestyle I wished I could have raised you in. Two parent household, semi-stable family, stable enough finances, and not have to choose whether to buy you a new hat and jacket for the winter, or gas and tires for my car.

I'm sorry for Granny and I fighting in front of you so much. As much as I love Granny, she just doesn't understand that you are my child and believe that my parenting skills are adequate enough. Yes, she is one of the reasons why I can't be around you as often as I would like because she doesn't think I feed you correctly, change you diaper right, dress you appropriately or even breathe correctly. Maybe one day she will back off. No.... No she won't. Not until I can afford to get us our own place, which isn't any time soon. Until then, I guess you'll have two mommy's.

I'm sorry for not being strong enough to tell Granny to back off. I've tried but it just end up in shatters and I'm ignored.

I'm sorry things didn't turn out as happily as I thought they would.

But on the bright side, we have each other and we're still healthy and alive.

Dear Mia,

"Dear Mia,

Eight months and one week ago, you were only 6 pounds 8 ounces. So small. So beautiful. So angelic. I can't believe that in 4 more months, you will be a year old. I am not sure if words can express the joy and happiness you have brought me. I know all of these journal entries I am writing are about how much I love you, and blah, blah, boring, but it is the only thing I feel when I look at you.

I can't believe something that caused me SO much pain could have brought me so much joy also. I thought I was going to die when I was having you. Literally. And I guess I better get this out also. You were almost a toilet baby. When I got to the hospital & went to the bathroom in immense pain to change into the gown, I decided to pee also. I just didn't know I was going to have a contraction while peeing & I naturally started to push... meaning you could have fallen out in the toilet. Hahaha! I just thought I'd let you know. So be thankful that I stopped myself. =]

It's been 4 months since Daddy and I have been split up. Since then, we haven't talked much. He'd just text for you to come over for a little. I'd drop you off and get you a couple hours later without saying anything to him. It wasn't pretty, but we are better now. We talk more now & I even stay sometimes while you and Daddy play. It's funny how much you look like him and even sleep like him. You both sleep like crazy fools. And Daddy has a new job. I'm very proud of him. You should too, if you knew what a job was...

You are crawling so well now! You're just growing up so fast now & not even slowing down for me. I want my little, stinky, do nothing baby back!! It's hard for me to realize that you are growing up so fast because I'm not home often. School has me all over the place and gone from 8am-4pm sometimes 7am-5pm or later. Then when I get home, I have so much homework to do that I haven't put you to sleep for at least 2 weeks now. It makes me sad because I barely have time to play with you, hug you, or even feed you. And if I do, I have to get right back to studying because its so hard for me to remember... anything now. I guess lack of sleep... On top of that, money is not Mommy's friend... But that's another story....

But one day, things will get better and I will be able to hold you all day... Until you become a teenager and think I'm just a lame mama.

Dear Mia...

And yet another Dear Mia entry...

"Dear Mia,

I was looking at some of my old pictures today. From back when I was in high school. I can't believe that under a year ago, you weren't here. I used to wake up in the morning, go to school, dance practice and come home everyday to an empty house until Granny came home. Now, I wake up, check to see if you are awake, give you a kiss & hug, go to school, and come back home to your smiling face. I love every minute of it. I still look back and think, 'Wow, I've lived 17 years with out Mia. Now that she's here, I couldn't be happier.'
It's kind of crazy that I think my life is so much better now that your here. Most people my age would think, 'Oh no! Now I can't hang out with my friends. Can't go clubbing. I gotta spend all my money on diapers and formula. That baby is gonna keep me up all night. I can't handle all that!'

Me, I feel as if your constant happiness and playfull-ness keeps me going. You're the reason why I slow down when I drive. The reason why I don't go to every party that comes up. The reason why I wake up and drive 60 miles to and from school Monday-Friday just so I can be there and watch you grow up. I love watching you try to crawl, eating and talking with your mouth full, acting shy in front of strangers and hiding your face in my chest because you think they can't see you if you can't see them... It makes me feel as if something I've done in my life so far finally turned out right because this decision has made me so happy. So happy."

And yet another journal entry...

"Dear Mia,

Things have changed in your short 5 & a half months of life. Today you finally got to meet your Auntie Callie. Although she doesn't look like Mommy or your other Aunts, she is still your aunt. End of discussion. *Laughs* She is my closest sister and my best friend, and I'm glad she got to see you for the first time so soon because Mommy went nearly 3 years without seeing her, and yes. It hurt. It meant alot that she came to visit the family because even though she's "the adopted daughter" and moved so suddenly, we still always thought and cared for her. Always.

But enough of that. Some things may be changing soon with our lives. I'm not sure how I'll react or, especially, how you'll react because you seem to have quite an attitude for such a small child...But I hope these changes are for the better and will make both of us happier. You know all I care about is your happiness. And even though Mommy has been going through some rough patches right now, you always manage to help me forget about them for a while when I see your glowing face laughing at me. But you aren't making me happy right now. You threw up in your hair while you were sleeping. Now you stink, and I wasn't about to wake you up to give you a bath. But it's ok. It's a good stink & you'll be mhy clean little stinky in the morning..."

OOoh! We break up to make up... Ooooh!

Abusive Relationships Are Like An Ice Cream Sundae... datingish

This was some very good writing. And I enjoyed it quite a bit.

If you didnt read it, it's pretty much saying why cover up a bad relationship with good things just to think it will make up for the bad. Such as "putting sprinkles on a shitty sundae" (quoted from the blog). I loved that metaphor because we do it SO MUCH, especially in relationships. Sugar coating a pickle will never make it taste good. EVER. Just thinking about how it will taste is actually making me gag a little.... No girl or boy should have to cover up what they don't like with wonderful things he or she does or thinking he or she will change because, in the end, they won't. Unless he or she REALLYwants to. Point made.

Yay! Another Journal Entry!

"Dear Mia,
We had fun yesterday for Father's day. Even though you still have that damned diarrhea, you still managed to put a smile on that pudgey little face. We spent the whole day with Daddy. Obviously for Father's day, it was only right. Grandma Phoukeo bought a blow-up pool for you & Jayden to play in, but you hated the cold water. Everytime we put you're feet in, your little face would scrunch up & you'd cry. So Daddy held you're big butt the whole time whild Jayden played. Speaking of big butt, tell me why at 4/5 months of age you're booty couldn't fit into a 6-9 month old bathing suit? I had to exchange it for a 12 month suit because you're butt and hips were squished in that 6-9 month. Even with out a diaper on, your booty was squeezed in there. I guess you definitely got the black side when it came to the bottom half of you're body. *Laughs* Well, atleast you got a tan and spent time with your father on his one day out of the whole year. Because you know the other 363 days are designated as one for Mommy and the rest for you."