Before I go to sleep...

I would like to talk about my life at the current moment.

The school year is almost over and the only thing I worry about is passing Calculus and Chemistry. I think I might have to take Calc. over again because I can NOT understand my teacher's lessons and I want a better grade than what I am getting. Idk. Math and me used to be friends until college came along. I had never taken any calculus courses in high school because, frankly, my counselors and what not did not believe I was good enough for such "high leveled courses". But, of course, they give the courses to the popular students and the students who procrastinate, copy homework all day and just squeeze by from sucking up to the teachers.
I know not all people did that, but trust me. Some did...

And now I am going to start working at Outback! Woo-hoo. Two jobs. Full week of school. Three hour lab once a week and 2 hour volunteer TPSL hours a week. Gosh. I have no clue how I am going to get all of this done, but it will some how... I hope...

Plus I NEED, not want, but DESPERATELY NEED money at this moment. The call to become a drug dealer has never been so strong... but I know I could never do such a thing, even though it is quick, and illegal money. =/

It's just me taking care of Mia. My mother helps as much as she can, but my daughter is MY responsibility and I need to be able to support her in all ways that I can. That is why I am taking on this second job so I can buy her clothes, formula, take her out to eat frozen yogurt or even buy myself a shirt or shoes for once since I haven't stepped foot into a store to buy myself clothes in SO long. Besides. Who has time to shop when your homework is like another full time job right there. On average, I do homework about... 5 hours a night with a few breaks in between. Its like I have 4 jobs right now. Homework, School, Mia, Work Study, Outback.
Oh, sorry. I can't count. 5 jobs.

Now, you may be asking, "Where is Mia's father? Why isn't he helping?"

Well, frankly, I don't know what to tell you. We broke up 5 months and 6 days ago. I decided not to bug him with any stress like "when u gonna get Mia? She need this, she needs that, I'm going out, can you watch her?" until he got his life together and decided to step up and be a father to his daughter. (Since he wanted to be the young child with no responsibilities still.) I have put my social life and financial situation on the back burner for this decision. (I've had to skip paying credit card bills to support Mia & myself actually which hasn't made anything easier...)

I just didn't think it would take 5 months, 6 days and counting to realize that you have a daughter that would like to have her father around. Or realization of, "Hey! I have a kid... She kinda needs things like food, water, clothes, attention, love, diapers, wipes, shoes, hair and bath things, a bed, medicine..." But I guess those things haven't clicked yet...

Does it make me angry? Who wouldn't be? Does it cause more stress? Hell yes, it does. Am I going to change this? Well, I can't unless everyone wants to change. Sure, times are hard.... Rough... VERY difficult right now, but I have survived so far, and we will survive later on in life.
Yes, I'd like to keep my hair and I needed to loose weight anyway, but in the end, things will work out for the better, and I really do believe Mia will appreciate ALL I have done for her as a young mother when she gets older.

She'll look back and say, "My mom had me at 18 with no set plan for the future, no job and just a dream to become a doctor. She was a single mother in an elite college and 2 jobs. She taught herself how to speak and write in Lao so she could teach me also. Despite the homework and stress, she still managed to be there for me when I needed her, when I was sleepy, when I fell down, or even when I wanted her to watch Yo Gabba Gabba and sing the whole theme song of Ni Hao, Kai-Lan to me with a hug. She was always there."

All I really want to do is make my daughter proud of me despite my many flaws and struggles we have in our life right now.

Another Year Has Passed...

My 19th birthday is tomorrow and Mia will be 9 months tomorrow.
Yay for 01/21/09 and 10/21/90.
I still think it is so amazing how our birthdays are the same thing backwards. I always knew I made the right decision by not aborting my little stink because something told me that this would change my life in some way... And it has.

One year ago, I was 6 months pregnant. Looking like a bubble and did not expect such a little thing human could change my life so drastically.
From my daughter:

I have learned to not be selfish.

I have learned to appreciate each day that I have.

I am more careful with my life. I don't speed anymore.

I have learned that I don't have to go out and party every weekend to have fun; staying at home and singing the theme song to Backyardigans, Ni Hao Kai Lan and Wonder Pets & clapping along is just as fun for me.

I have learned that "finding Prince Charming" is now unimportant and I could care less; I have my little princess here and she will forever be 1000 times better than any wanna-be Prince.

I love that she can eat and share food with me now. She loves rice, veges and Italian food!

I can't wait until she is a little older so we can go out to eat together; I'll always have a lunch/shopping buddy now when my friends are unavailable.

I still find myself sitting next to her crib and watching her sleep & still think it is amazing that I have made such a beautiful thing. And in only 3 more months, she will be a year old. I can't believe how fast time has passed. I went from watching her sleep 16 hours a day to sitting up to crawling and waving good bye to me & saying "Mama" and "Baba".

In one year, my life has been completely turned around. Even though it gets pretty tough with school, family and a social life, but with my little Stink-stink by my side, I know I can get through this...

This is for You.

Yeah, so there is this boy named Keenan.
He's black.
Tall.

And goes to school in Ohio.

He waits last minute to do his homework, and still seems to do fine.

Babies his super cool fuel-flex Impala.

Chillax-es with the homies on a regular basis.

And parties like a rock star on the weekend.

What a wonderful life he has, right?

I on the other hand...

I'm short.

My "black card" was taken away a long time ago.

I do my homework all day and all weekend, and still do not excel in class.

I have a baby that keeps me from concentrating on homework.

I don't have "homies" at school nor do I mingle there either. Just acquaintances. I'm a major loner. (Class, Work, Home)

My car is a car and nothing more.

I only get to see & hang out with my friends once a month if that.

I don't party like a rock star on the weekends. I actually have never been to a party before in my life. Was never invited in high school. Don't know about the ones at school because, frankly, I don't talk to people at school really... so yeah. Not a partier.

What opposites. I guess the personalities and events that happen in high school follow you into college & so on.

He's still Mr. Popular.
I'm still that girl over there.

Dear Mia,

"Dear Mia,

Eight months and one week ago, you were only 6 pounds 8 ounces. So small. So beautiful. So angelic. I can't believe that in 4 more months, you will be a year old. I am not sure if words can express the joy and happiness you have brought me. I know all of these journal entries I am writing are about how much I love you, and blah, blah, boring, but it is the only thing I feel when I look at you.

I can't believe something that caused me SO much pain could have brought me so much joy also. I thought I was going to die when I was having you. Literally. And I guess I better get this out also. You were almost a toilet baby. When I got to the hospital & went to the bathroom in immense pain to change into the gown, I decided to pee also. I just didn't know I was going to have a contraction while peeing & I naturally started to push... meaning you could have fallen out in the toilet. Hahaha! I just thought I'd let you know. So be thankful that I stopped myself. =]

It's been 4 months since Daddy and I have been split up. Since then, we haven't talked much. He'd just text for you to come over for a little. I'd drop you off and get you a couple hours later without saying anything to him. It wasn't pretty, but we are better now. We talk more now & I even stay sometimes while you and Daddy play. It's funny how much you look like him and even sleep like him. You both sleep like crazy fools. And Daddy has a new job. I'm very proud of him. You should too, if you knew what a job was...

You are crawling so well now! You're just growing up so fast now & not even slowing down for me. I want my little, stinky, do nothing baby back!! It's hard for me to realize that you are growing up so fast because I'm not home often. School has me all over the place and gone from 8am-4pm sometimes 7am-5pm or later. Then when I get home, I have so much homework to do that I haven't put you to sleep for at least 2 weeks now. It makes me sad because I barely have time to play with you, hug you, or even feed you. And if I do, I have to get right back to studying because its so hard for me to remember... anything now. I guess lack of sleep... On top of that, money is not Mommy's friend... But that's another story....

But one day, things will get better and I will be able to hold you all day... Until you become a teenager and think I'm just a lame mama.

Creepers. *Psh*

I know I will never understand the male species, but...

You guys know you do some strange junk. Especially when it comes to trying to hit on a girl.

I hate when I'm sitting peacefully in the car, waiting for the red light to change when my little invisible friend in the car tells me to look to my right.
There is some ugly, gorilla-lookin' dude in the car next to me jockin' the mess outta me like he's NEVER seem someone of the female species before. Sheesh. So I go back to looking straight forward.
Then he tries to SAY something now. I guess he didn't realize that I was IGNORING his ugly face. Omg. So then I just rolled up that window. Yet, he still insists on looking through the tint to see my face... Pathetic...

Another guy pulled up next to me once & realized that I have tinted windows. So he decided to pull up a little further so he could see me clearly through the windshield. Really? That was completely lame and uncalled for...

Then the creepiest one was at my school. I work in the morning, so I'm walking to the library at about 9am. I hear one of the golf carts that the service workers drive around campus behind me so I'm like whatever! Do-dodo-do-dodo-dooo. Then I think " Dang. This freakin' cart hasn't passed me yet?! Dude drivin' hella slow cuz I ain't walking THAT fast." Then I realize he is right beside me. So I look over & this ugly old man with a big smile on his face is like "Hey."
So I said "Hi" and hopped, skipped & scurried my little self down to the library faster than fast.

I saw him again when I was at my car. I was getting my books out the back seat & he pulled up to do something & I slammed the door & rustled away quickly. Gosh...

(I love how I used words that I would relate to a squirrel or animal running from danger. "Scurry, rustle". lol)

Really. Do you think you can be the next Hugh Hefner?

You can't afford me if your just a service worker/technician. *psh*

So what are your creepy, strange, hitting on stories?

Body Image & Me

I think I'm gonna start a "word/phrase & Me" series... Seems good

Body Image?
According to studies, we all see each other & ourselves differently. To me, I may be light brown. To him, I am dark brown. To her, her arms are short, but when her friend sees her, her arms are long. Then, there is body dysmorphia when someone sees themselves literally nothing like how they look. They may think they look like the elephant man sometimes, but that's a different story...

I think we all have a little body dysmorphic disorder in us... to an extent.
Like to myself, I have the hugest thighs. Ever.
And no matter what people say will not change my mind because you don't have to fit these boulders into some jeans. Sheesh.
I blame genes & gymnastics. Most gymnasts have dem thighs.

(big huh?)

I have the worse lower body shape.
My waist is little. My butt is average but I have hips. Then the monsters I call "thighs".
Jeans are SO hard to buy/wear because my waist is too small, so there is that NASTY space at the top. (Its so big sometimes, you can look down & see my underwear. its like an inner tube, literally) All just to fit the booty. Then the thighs barely even fit. ugh. My waist is made for a size 3. Butt/hips, size 5. Thighs, size 4.
My thighs look like this...

No, but they are more like this...

Guys love 'em. I dislike 'em
Actually, they look EXACTLY like this. Round, large & have absolutely 0 space between them when you stand with your leg together. And when I mean ZERO i mean paper shredder tight. Until you get to the knees of course. Then its normal. =D
I occasionally dream that I will wake up and they will look like this...

I'd be able to go shopping & not have to worry about squeezing into anything or fitting one thing perfectly & the other be on its own. Then I think realize this will never happen because I am not genetically to EVER look like this.
Even Mia has thighs like a muther effer!! Already!

But then I try to look on the bright side.

My thighs are full of fat & muscle to that will always be warm in the winter.

I have enough thigh strength to kick your face.

Gymnastics is easy for me b/c my thighs hold alot of power.

and the best one of all...

They don't have cellulite!!!

What is one thing you don't like about yourself, why and how do you cope with it?

School & Me

I haven't written on here in a while so here I go...

before I go to Math, so this better be quick.

I finally got back into the school world after a 7 month maternitybreak.
I know. Wouldn't all pregnant women love to have a maternity leave THAT long? You get to see everything!

But anyway, Like I thought, it was gonna be a big jump from no education & hard work to living the fast track of Emory University Education System. The teachers demand A LOT of your time because all of the students, except the selected 6 or so, are required to live on campus. The schedule tutoring at 7pm, have TPLS where you kinda volunteer at places & pretty much do research on the place you choose, movies after class, 8am tests before class tests, 2pm after class tests. Not to mention the social clubs. Its easy if you live on campus.

I, on the other hand, drive 60 miles a day every day to school. That equals up to about... I'd say $40-50 in gas a week. $200 a month or so. I come on the weekends to work on group projects, which takes away from my Mia/resting time. I don't join the clubs & such because, frankly, I wouldn't have a life anymore. I have labs 2:30-5:30 once a week. I work in the library 3 days a week (10 hours total). Then I get home & Mia is there with her smiling, mischevious self & I forget about all the stress I have through out the day.

Of course, it is harder to do your homework at home because there are more distractions than if you lived in the dorm. Mother is always calling me to come do this or go do that or talking about this & that and what Oprah & Dr. Phil said. Or this-Swine-flu-that
Now that Mia is crawling, she tries to eat my paper & see what I'm doing. (She loves exploring!)
I try to support my nephew in his baseball games & go to his practices & games. Then, I study here & there hoping the segmented material come together & stick in my head.

Now I see why so many girls who do have kids at a young age just drop out & try to find a sugar daddy to take care of them. It's very hard juggling a school, mothering, and a social life. I cant even remember the last time I went out with a friend to have fun.... Really... I think it was... Like August... The beginning/middle of August. Some girls can't handle it.
I know it's hard for me because it seems like everything is slapping me in the face now & I realize that I can't play with Mia or take her out as much as I used to, but I try as hard as I can to.

Inthe end, juggling as a single mother is not easy and I respect anyone out there who is doing the same thing because it does take a tole on you (my hair is falling out like mad).

But I guess it will all be worth in the end, right?